Boundaries are important to every relationship, not just when you’re navigating co-parenting boundaries in a new relationship. They’re even more important when those relationships have a negative history.
That history can reflect badly on your co-parenting process if you’re not careful. When you introduce a new partner into your family, it can be challenging to establish a healthy co-parenting relationship. That’s makes it all the more necessary.
Healthy co-parenting boundaries play a major role in setting your children up for success and delivering the healthiest family dynamic you possibly can. These 8 boundaries can help you get started with the language and actions you need to make that happen.
This post is all about co-parenting boundaries in a new relationship.
CO-PARENTING BOUNDARIES:
1. Model conflict resolution whenever you argue
You will inevitably argue with your co-parent and your new partner. Whether you argue about choices relating to your shared child or something different, your child will internalize that.
No matter how young your child is, you want to start modeling conflict resolution so they don’t just see more than argument and discontent in their family. They’ll notice when their parents or step-parents are arguing and they will be affected by that.
This is especially true if they think they’re the cause of the argument. You never want your child to think they’re the cause of an argument between you and a co-parent. The problem is this will inevitably happen.
It’s normal to argue. It’s also much more difficult to resolve arguments with someone you dislike or resent because of past mistakes. So, rather than telling yourself to avoid arguing with your co-parent, remind yourself to resolve the conflict in front of your child.
This may look like the two of you arguing. Then, you take time away from each other, talk it through, and reenact the process of talking it through with your child present.
It’s reasonable to not want your child to see you arguing. But, you also have to recognize that, whether or not they see it, they still know it’s happening.
This means that you set a boundary with the co-parents in your life and you let them know that anytime you argue, you need to come back together and resolve it with the child present.
If they disagree, then maybe it’s worth talking about attending therapy as a family to work through the conflict in a safe space.
2. Set up a sustainable, dependable daily routine for your child
Give your child a schedule they can rely on. The schedule can be as simple as getting up at the same time every day, eating breakfast at the same time, and going to school at the same time.
The important part of a child’s routine when you involve co-parents is to make sure the child knows exactly what’s happening after school and when they are switching to the other parent.
As much as you can, work with your co-parent to establish a clear routine and avoid any surprises. Work out the details with your co-parent to make sure your child can depend on one of you always showing up to school functions, recitals, and end-of-school pickup.
When something does come up and your child has to stay with you longer or they’re not getting picked up by the parent that is supposed to pick them up, be honest with your child. Let them know that something came up and you’re sorry.
Why the Details Matter
If you can give them the details of what happened, especially if the other parent got hurt or is caring for someone who is hurt. There are always cases in which you shouldn’t give your child all of the details to avoid parentifying them.
But, you can take accountability for confusing them and changing up an already confusing system. Whether or not they need you to do that for them, it will benefit them because it models accountability and honesty.
It may be useful to establish ground rules with your co-parent about how to contact you when things change and what reasons are acceptable.
Maybe your co-parent wants to take a spontaneous trip to Hawaii and they will be gone the week your child lives with them. It’s a good idea to figure out when they need to give you notice about changing the plans.
3. Establish mutual respect between you and your co-parent
Your relationship with your child will be impacted by how you treat their co-parent. Plus, your child deserves to have a strong relationship with both parents if they can.
It’s not always possible for them to stay in the lives of both parents because of substance abuse or mental health issues. However, if you and your co-parent are both capable of taking care of your child, you need to establish mutual respect.
The foundation of this respect may be nothing more than the fact that they are the parent of your child. That’s okay as long as it keeps you from cutting them out of decisions or questioning their parenting.
If your child is happy and healthy, then you have to trust that your co-parent is doing their job. You two may have different parenting styles.
They may prefer an authoritarian style and you prefer gentle parenting or vice versa. It’s hard to accept that they parent differently than you. But, that’s their choice as long as they’re not abusing your child. Another of mutual respect is sharing all major decisions.
If you’re ever questioning whether your co-parent should be involved, then ask yourself if you’d be okay getting left out of the decision. The odds are you’re going to say no, and you need to involve your former spouse.
You may want to discuss clear boundaries around what types of decisions are okay to make without the co-parent and which ones aren’t. For example, you probably don’t need to ask them if you can feed your child dinner.
4. Avoid letting your personal life or personal feelings get in the way
Your personal life and feelings do not exist when you are talking about your child. However your relationship ended with your former partner, they are still your co-parent.
The best way to develop a healthy relationship with your child is to never ask them to split their loyalty between you and your co-parent. This means you don’t talk badly about your co-parent in front of your child.
You avoid favoring your new relationship over your old one, even though those feelings are likely there. It’s okay to dislike your ex as a partner while recognizing they need to be in your child’s life and you need to support that for your child’s wellbeing.
To separate your personal life from your co-parenting life, it’s a good idea to create healthy boundaries. Talk to your co-parent about what type of relationship you want with them. Maybe you only want to see them when you drop off your child.
Or maybe you’re okay with spending a holiday together to give your child a complete family for a day. Whatever your boundaries look like is okay because they are putting your child first without compromising your ability to be a loving parent.
5. Monitor your mental health and take care of yourself
Take care of yourself. It’s hard to work with someone who has hurt you or who you’ve hurt and you probably have a hard time even talking to them without arguing. You are doing the right thing by researching how to develop a successful co-parenting relationship.
That doesn’t make it easier, but it does mean that it makes sense if you’re struggling. Keep in mind that no parenting plan will make sure that you can be the parent your child deserves.
If you’re repressing all of your resentment and anger towards your co-parent, it will affect you and your child. It will come in ways that you don’t intend it to come out and it will affect your mental health.
So, consider getting professional help or talking with a marriage and family therapist to process your pain. The moment you begin noticing your mental health decline as a result of co-parenting, it may be a good idea to establish some new boundaries with your co-parent.
It’s also a good idea to avoid complaining about your ex with your new person. They will always be on your side because they want to hate your ex, too, and that negativity will not make you feel better or help you become a better co-parent.
6. Establish open communication with your co-parent and partner
Communication is a must in every relationship. Most people never learn how to communicate openly, kindly, and effectively. We learn how to communicate from watching our parents and the people around us, most of whom never learned to communicate properly, to begin with.
So, we learn unhealthy habits that make it impossible to establish effective communication with the people around us. This becomes much more difficult when people deal with high-conflict situations like lines of communication with their co-parent.
You probably find it easy to talk to your partner about parenting and you can find a positive way to address most issues with them. Unfortunately, talking to an ex about co-parenting will take a lot of practice. It all comes down to the child’s best interest as the common ground.
Children need to know what’s going on and where they’re going to be. They need to know important information just like everyone else in the family. So, you can think about open communication as beneficial for everyone.
Your child deserves to know what’s going on and, by extension, your co-parent does, too, because that’s the best way to make sure your child is getting their needs met. Consider setting boundaries about how much information you and your child need to know.
Maybe you want to clarify with your co-parent that both of you should explain to your child why something changes, like not getting picked up on time or staying with one parent longer than planned.
7. Set up clear expectations for your blended family
As you introduce new people into the family, you need to create clear expectations that make sense to everyone and are consistent for everyone. You have to hold yourself and your partner to the same standard that you hold your co-parent.
When you introduce your committed partner to your family, you need to have a conversation with them about parenting.
You may want to hold off on introducing someone into the family if you’re not ready to prioritize your child’s parenting over avoiding conflict in your new romantic relationship.
You and your co-parent will have to figure out how you want to handle a new partner coming into the family as a step-parent. Set boundaries that help you determine when they take on a parenting role in your child’s life.
It’s hard to tell your partner that they can’t discipline your child or parent them until they meet the requirements that you and your co-parent determine. But, you do need to set that requirement to maintain a secure, stable environment for your child.
Once you establish clear expectations between you, your co-parent, and your partner, you can focus on raising your child with the parenting styles you’ve agreed upon and maintaining the same standards no matter where your child is living.
If your partner is too harsh or too lenient as a parent, your child will get confused and lose that security you’ve worked to build in your blended family.
8. Prioritize your child’s needs above those of everyone else
Your child comes first, which is why you’re here, reading and doing the work. Whenever a family goes through a change, like the parents getting divorced or one parent introducing a new partner to the family, there will be a period of discomfort.
Everyone in the family has to renegotiate their roles and figure out how they fit in this new dynamic. This is normal, but it’s not painless. The good news is that, if you’re here, you’re likely already putting your children’s needs first.
That can be the hardest part when you’re dealing with painful emotions from a past relationship and fresh emotions from a new relationship. But, prioritizing your child’s needs is the most important step to creating co-parenting boundaries in a new relationship.
It reminds you to avoid bringing personal matters into your relationship with your child and to respect both your child and your co-parent as you explore a new relationship with someone whom you hope to bring into the family.
