It’s scary to think that you might be in a codependent relationship. You love your partner and you don’t want the relationship to end, but something doesn’t feel right which is why you’re wondering about the main differences between codependency vs love.
You’re anxious and constantly worried about your relationship. Maybe you wonder if your partner will leave you and you feel burnt out from all of the work you put into your relationship. Or maybe you’re dealing with relationship anxiety.
Whatever your relationship looks like, this is the place to identify signs of codependency so you can get a better idea about the difference between codependency vs love. These 10 signs will help you to identify the key differences between codependency and love.
These signs will help you take care of yourself whether that means looking into professional help from a couples therapist or ending your relationship.
This post is all about codependency vs love.
What is codependency?
Codependency, in its essence, involves two individuals finding their identity through their interdependence. It’s like a seesaw of needs – one partner leans into the caretaker role, while the other relies on their care.
This intricate dance, though often painful and far from ideal, oddly fulfills the needs of both parties, making it a challenging pattern to break free from.
Recently, the term codependency has become quite the buzzword, leaving many of us pondering where we fit into this intricate web of emotions. Originally, it was a term used to describe the relationships of those struggling with drug abuse and their significant others.
In this type of relationship, both parties extract a semblance of identity from this complex dynamic, even if it doesn’t reflect a healthy balance.
It’s almost paradoxical – both individuals feel needed in a codependent relationship, even when it’s evident that it’s hurting everyone involved. The allure of being needed in the cycle of codependency is a powerful force, even if it comes at the expense of emotional well-being.
CODEPENDENCY VS LOVE:
1. Your emotions are tied to your partner’s emotions
You can’t help but feel connected to your partner’s emotions. In a healthy love relationship, it’s normal to empathize with your partner and feel sad when they feel sad. However, when your happiness depends on their happiness, you might be a codependent partner.
This means that you are unhappy until you can confirm that your partner still loves you and is content. Unfortunately, you struggle to believe it when they reassure you and they may even withhold that from you to hurt you.
The key to understanding codependent behaviors is to remember that everyone involved is struggling with the same insecurities and fears, which drive their behavior.
To be clear, there is no excuse for mistreating someone. But, the goal is to develop a better understanding of where you or your partner’s actions come from.
2. You struggle with feelings of insecurity and the fear of abandonment
When you’re in a codependent relationship, it can feel impossible to believe that you have enough love. You constantly question if your partner’s love is true love and if they’ll leave regardless of how much they reassure you.
Depending on your attachment style from attachment theory, you may react by shutting down and becoming emotionally unavailable. Or you may become so anxious that you can’t focus on anything but your relationship.
Either way, you are in constant fear of being left by your partner because of how entwined you two have become. You constantly worry about how happy you make them because that’s the only way you can try to keep them from leaving.
If this sounds like you, then it’s important for you to start reminding yourself that your partner’s actions have nothing to do with you.
While you two both have responsibilities to work on your relationship, your fear of abandonment is not based on the reality of your relationship. It will not go away no matter how much work you put into your relationship.
3. You define yourself based on your relationship with them
You get a sense of identity from being in a relationship with your partner. This can look like telling someone, “I have to pick up my partner from work tonight, so I can’t go” or “I’m sorry to cancel last minute, but my partner just came home and had a bad day at work.”
Neither of these statements is inherently problematic, but they demonstrate that you define yourself based on how you can take care of someone else. In other words, you are a caretaker and, therefore, you have a purpose.
This can also take the form of you being the one your partner needs to take care of. Consider the reverse: “My partner needs to pick me up from work tonight because they always do” or “I know my partner has plans tonight, but I’ve had a bad day and need them to stay home.”
Both the caretaker and the one being taken care of define themselves based on their relationship and need to maintain their codependent pattern to maintain their identities.
4. You lack healthy boundaries with your partner
Boundaries tell people how to better love you by avoiding triggers and building mutual respect. Healthy boundaries allow you to break the rules when it’s necessary, but, for the most part, respect the boundaries in place as a way to keep your relationship healthy and loving.
When you lack boundaries, you often get angry and triggered by something your partner says but feel powerless to stop it from happening in the future.
You might feel powerless because you’re scared to be honest with them. You’re scared they will leave or you would rather shut them out for a little while to show them they’ve hurt you.
5. You have people-pleasing tendencies and struggle to say “No”
Co-dependent people often feel guilty about disappointing their partner and others because they don’t want anyone to leave them. Once you say no, they may go somewhere else to meet their own needs.
That’s why codependent people are often also people-pleasers, especially when they occupy the caretaking role in their relationship.
If you are a people-pleaser, you’d rather tell someone yes at your own expense than deal with the feelings of anxiety that come from putting the needs of others before your needs.
6. You are indecisive
You’re scared to make a decision because you’re afraid of making the wrong one. On some level, you want someone else to be responsible for making your decisions so that you don’t blame yourself when they make the wrong decision.
In reality, you have trouble making even minor decisions without consulting your partner. Since you depend on your partner’s validation and approval, you will struggle to make any decision without them agreeing to your decision before you make it.
Even if you make a decision, you’re likely to talk yourself out of it if your partner disagrees because you value your partner’s opinion more than your own and want them to feel valued so they stay in the relationship.
7. You sacrifice your emotional health for your partner’s needs
A codependent person will choose to stay in toxic relationships because those relationships make them feel needed and give them a sense of identity. So, they’ll do whatever it takes to stay in that unhealthy relationship.
It’s okay to notice the codependency in your relationship and work on it to develop a healthier relationship with your partner. However, when someone is codependent, their first instinct will typically be to save their unhealthy attachment at all costs.
This means they play into their role as the caretaker or person being taken care of and make everyone in the relationship feel needed.
Codependent individuals will choose their relationship over everything else, including their mental and physical well-being because it gives them an identity.
8. Your sense of self-worth depends on your partner’s opinion of you
Once you develop a codependent relationship with someone, it’s difficult to escape the codependent tendencies because they’re familiar and comfortable.
You can rely on how amazing you feel when your partner validates you. However, when your partner doesn’t validate you, you feel low. You have low self-esteem and all you want is for your partner to reassure you that you’re worthy.
This lack of self-worth will likely drive you to engage in a destructive type of behavior that neglects your needs for the sake of your partner’s needs, thus reinforcing the codependent dynamic between you two.
9. You distance yourself from people in your support system
The chances are you don’t realize this happening until you think about your friends and family. Maybe you’ve spent less time around your family because they criticize your relationship.
Maybe don’t get to see your friends as often as you’d like because you need to spend that time with your partner to keep your relationship healthy. It’s normal to prioritize your partner and spend time with them to show they’re a priority.
This becomes a problem when it hurts your other relationships with family members and friends because you can no longer put effort into your other relationships with all the time you’re dedicating to your partner.
10. You no longer focus on personal growth or your own happiness
Codependent people are stressed about by the idea of personal growth. They spend so much time investing in their relationship and making sure their partner is happy that they can’t put any energy into fulfilling their emotional needs.
This makes it almost impossible to think about their own feelings beyond the anxiety they get from their relationship. Healthy romantic relationships will give you the chance to enjoy some alone time while you pursue your passion.
In an ideal relationship, you can learn about yourself and grow as a person while also coming home to a loving partner who supports all of the work you do outside of the relationship work you both do.
