We all want to grow up in a close family. We don’t want to think about enmeshment vs codependency. No matter how big or small our family is, we want to feel like we can rely on our parents and siblings.
But, sometimes when we take a closer look, we realize that our definition of healthy relationships is causing us pain. To be in a healthy relationship, you and your parent, sibling, or partner need to have mutual respect for one another that leads to healthy boundaries.
So, if you aren’t sure whether that’s the case for you, this is a great opportunity for you to look for signs of enmeshment and signs of codependency.
This guide will break down what enmeshment vs codependency means and how you can identify unhealthy family dynamics that keep you from meeting your emotional needs.
What is emotional enmeshment?
In the context of family and family therapy, enmeshment is the result of family dysfunction. When something is wrong within a family, like your parents struggling in their marriage, your family reacts by creating enmeshed boundaries, which means there are no family boundaries.
Rather than working through the dysfunctional family pattern, someone in the family will develop a need to be taken care of or to take care of someone else. You develop an unhealthy relationship and begin to ignore your emotional experience.
You, then, define yourself by how much they take care of you or how much you take care of them. Ultimately, you lose a sense of your own identity and that makes it scary to break out of enmeshment and an interdependent relationship.
What separates enmeshment vs codependency is that both people in this relationship feel guilted and obligated to remain in it for the other person.
Plus, you can usually identify implicit rules within your family that people follow unconsciously to keep from disrupting the way your family functions.
What is a codependent relationship?
A codependent relationship is similar to an enmeshed relationship in that both people rely on each other to give them an identity. You feel safest by forgoing your needs to fulfill the needs of someone else.
This person can be malicious and abusive or they can be a parent who isn’t ready to their adult children go. In this situation, you have a hard time creating personal boundaries and expressing emotions because you want to stay safe.
You value someone else’s needs over your own needs because that’s how the two of you define your identities. Either you’re the one who is needed or the one who needs them.
This type of relationship can look a lot different than enmeshed relationships because it develops in circumstances that make it seem appropriate and not like the toxic relationship it is.
For example, two people can start a codependent, romantic relationship if they already complement each other.
SIGNS OF ENMESHMENT VS CODEPENDENCY:
1. You struggle to be an independent person.
You define yourself based on what you can do for other people without clear boundaries. Their opinions define how much you value yourself, so you often worry about what they think and if you’re enough.
You crave any amount of praise that you get because that’s the way you’ve learned to feel loved. The idea of boundaries is scary because you fear upsetting the person who helps define your identity as useful and worthy.
Plus, you’ve probably never seen anyone set boundaries in your life and you don’t know where to start because you’ve neglected your own needs for so long.
You lack a sense of what you want to do with your own life because of learned behavior that results in a lack of emotional boundaries. It’s much easier for you to meet another person’s needs than your own.
2. You have a fear of abandonment.
You’re afraid to set boundaries with your individual family members because you’re used to getting your emotional identity from them. So, if you tell your mom that you can’t answer every time she calls, you’re scared that she’ll leave you and take away your role in life.
This fear likely enters into your romantic relationships too. Your romantic partners probably feel neglected because of how much time you spend trying to make your family feel loved and cared for when you have a new family that needs your energy.
You may even notice that you tailor your personality traits to the ones that other people appreciate the most. Remember that, within the relationship space, you should feel completely comfortable with your authentic self and nothing less.
3. You struggle to prioritize your partner’s emotions.
When you grow up in an enmeshed family system, relationship dynamics outside your family can be difficult. Your partner may not be okay with you sharing details about arguments with your family.
Plus, your partner might pick up on patterns of behavior that you don’t see. So, when they bring up how upset you get after every call with your parents, you will probably get defensive and tell them that they just don’t understand or that’s how it is or you’re really close with your parents.
It’s always important to create a line of open communication when starting a relationship because you don’t know what the other brings to it until you’re faced with conflict.
The earlier that you discuss your childhood experiences in adult relationships, the stronger your relationships will be. In this case, your abusive relationship with another person will impact your current relationship with your partner.
So, pay attention when your partner’s feelings and their description of a relationship.
4. You have feelings of resentment towards your family members.
Identifying your authentic emotions is hard work. It’s even harder when you are used to ignoring and suppressing your emotions for the sake of your parent, friend, or partner.
So, if you notice any resentment at all, then you need to pay attention to what your body is telling you. Resentment typically comes from your emotional needs and physical needs not being met.
Even if you aren’t conscious of how much you’ve learned to ignore your own needs, you will slowly develop resentment towards the family member who depends on you.
Eventually, your relationship with your family member will be entirely based on obligation instead of love or genuine connection. In this case of codependents and enmeshment within a close relationship, you need to decide what type of family cohesion feels good to you.
Take your time in deciding how a relationship makes you feel and work on creating physical boundaries to make sure that you’re not getting hurt by someone else’s behavioral patterns.
5. You’ve noticed increased conflict since you’ve started working on personal growth.
It’s incredible how much growth we can accomplish without untangling our enmeshment and codependency with family members. These types of behavior become so second nature to us that we don’t realize how much we’ve adapted to meet the needs of others.
At some point, we probably even realize that we don’t know what our needs are or how to figure them out. And yet, we still can learn this about ourselves before we realize how much we’ve lost a sense of self and our individual identity.
It hurts to admit that our emotional identity is based on someone else. But, it’s also normal, in an age where social media defines so much of our self-worth. It’s easy to think of yourself in unhealthy ways from the time that you’re a young adult to a full-fledged, middle-aged adult.
That’s why personal growth is our best option and getting professional help is crucial in supporting our journey in unlearning painful behavior and taking better care of ourselves.
6. Your parents have involved you in power struggles.
Your enmeshed or codependent parent has put you into the position of the parent by talking to you about their relationship with your other parent.
This is never okay for a parent to do, especially when they are not doing the work to develop healthier relationships outside of being a parent.
These parent-child relationships are unhealthy and cause the child to feel conflicted in their own emotions. They end up feeling like they need to take care of the parent who is confiding in them.
At the same time, they want to fix the issue that is causing their parents to argue and disengage from each other. This parentification is the ultimate consequence of a lack of boundaries within a family system.
7. You have a difficult time prioritizing the emotions of others outside of your family.
You already have a lot going on with trying to maintain the peace in your family. So, you struggle to even consider what other people might be feeling on the outside of your family unit.
Rather than deal with additional expectations and needs, you disregard outside opinions altogether. Or, worse, you don’t disregard them and decide the most important thing for you to worry about is your value based on what everyone else thinks.
This goes beyond even your enmeshed parent, enmeshed partner, or enmeshed system and causes you anxiety and depression in extreme cases.
8. You’ve noticed the emotional level increase unreasonably during family arguments.
Your entire family is emotionally reactive and every argument leads to an intense emotional experience. Small issues, that shouldn’t cause arguments, lead to massive blow-out fights, while the ones that should cause those blow-out fights are not discussed.
One of the most discernible signs of an enmeshed relationship and signs of codependence is the high emotions that are always present. When the other person feels abandoned, they lash out and get angry without giving you a strong sense that that reaction was warranted.
9. You struggle with low self-esteem.
Since your self-esteem and own identity are based on the opinions of other people, you struggle to find worth when people don’t tell you worthy. You live for praise and, when you go for any time without it, you struggle to find it within your own feelings to believe you still have value.
As hard as it is to admit that you value yourself based on how other people value you and a dysfunctional relationship pattern, you’re doing the right thing by asking questions about harmful behaviors in your life.
You’re taking the first step towards developing healthier patterns and healthier relationships.
10. You or someone else in the family struggles with mental health issues.
Mental health issues can both exacerbate emotional abuse and can be caused by emotional enmeshment as well as codependency. Since your own emotions are tied to the emotions of the people in your family, it’s natural that you develop anxiety from dealing with it.
This can also be the case if your family members have mental health issues that could lead them to need someone to take care of them. It’s important to remember that professional help, whether it’s individual or group therapy, is always an option.
A mental health professional, like a licensed clinical social worker or marriage and family therapist, can help you work through enmeshment vs codependency.
You are not alone and you can always find the best option for you to work to get the emotional support you need for developing appropriate boundaries.
