You just got out of a relationship and your ex won’t stop with the mind games. Maybe they’re texting you or contacting family members. You’ve gotten to the point where you’re wondering how to deal with an ex playing mind games.
It’s frustrating and we hate that you’re going through this. While we don’t have all the answers, especially as to the number of reasons why your ex is still bothering you, we have compiled a list of 12 ways you can handle an ex who won’t quit with the games and manipulation.
Check out this list and remember to take care of yourself as you work through each of the items on this blog.
This post is all about how to deal with an ex playing mind games.
Before we get into the ways that you can cope with a toxic ex in your life, we want to make it clear that it’s hard to have an ex bothering you.
Whether you’re in a position to cut them off or not (maybe they’re a co-parent), you can still focus your energy inward and on your current relationships. Maybe you’re in a new relationship with a loving partner and you can lean into that.
Or maybe you lean into your best friend and meet new people, too. Regardless, we focus heavily on the ways you can control the situation (i.e. internal choices you can make) since so much about your ex’s mind games is outside of your control.
This blog will not go over the best ways to respond to your ex, but it will help you understand the mindset that is healthiest to move past your ex’s manipulative games even if they’re not past them yet.
HOW TO DEAL WITH YOUR EX’S MIND GAMES:
1. Remind yourself what a healthy relationship looks like
As simple as it sounds, one of the most useful ways of getting through a harsh breakup or getting over an ex is to remind yourself why the relationship didn’t work. For many of us, we develop a flawed sense of “healthy.”
We watch our parents and loved ones in relationships that aren’t healthy and we think that’s what we should aim for. However, when we are in those unhealthy relationships, we understand that they don’t feel good.
So, if your ex is resorting to manipulative tactics, then the odds are your relationship wasn’t as healthy as it could’ve been. Take this opportunity to ask yourself what a healthy relationship looks like, and really consider how you want your next relationship to be different.
In this way, you can think of your last relationship as less of a loss or waste of time and more of a learning experience that will help you in the future.
This also takes the focus off of your ex-boyfriend or girlfriend and puts it on the growth you’re about to do. We’re all about personal growth here at Knockoff Therapy, and cutting manipulative games out of our lives is no different.
2. It may be obvious but don’t give them a second chance
We have to say it. It will be hard, especially if your ex gaslights you and manipulates you into believing that you played the victim card for no apparent reason.
At a certain point, they might start to convince you that you did something wrong and you should take them back or you two should get back together. But, the bottom line is that you two broke up for a reason.
Regardless of what reason that was, the fact that they are resorting to manipulative behaviors tells you everything you need to know about them. Honestly, it sucks to have your ex become something that you never knew that they were.
It can hurt to see your ex become someone you never knew you were dating. It’s also possible that you’ll think they’ve changed so much that you must have done something wrong to change them or hurt them deeply.
Whether or not you hurt them and that has changed them, you still do not deserve to be treated with such cold behavior. So, don’t take them back, and do not give them a second chance.
3. Keep in mind that you can also resort to a restraining order
Be careful when thinking about a restraining order. If there is abuse between you and your ex, and you fear for your life, then consult with a lawyer.
While it’s illegal to file a restraining order against someone for no reason and without evidence, it is entirely legal to do it when you have evidence of abuse or reason to fear for your life.
If you and your ex have broken up, then they should no longer be in your life unless you allow them to be. So, in the case that you don’t want them in your life and they won’t stop entering your life, document everything.
Reach out to a lawyer for legal advice and they can help you determine the best way forward for your safety and sanity.
4. Acknowledge the emotional pain they cause you
Regardless of how long you and your ex dated, it’s normal to get out of a relationship and feel like you just lost all of that time that you were with them. This is especially true if the relationship ended badly and you can’t remember the good times in your relationship.
So, it’s natural to want to move on and put it behind you as quickly as possible. It’s also tough to make that happen for real. Most of the time, when you want to put something behind you, you do it the easy way that doesn’t last.
In other words, you don’t do the emotional work that you need to do to get through the pain of their relationship ending. Your ex has become a different, very mean person and your ex’s behavior is unrecognizable.
So, it makes sense that you would not want to think about that relationship or about the fact that you are going through pain from the ending. You’re also going through the pain of seeing your ex turn into a scary person.
This is when you need to acknowledge that pain instead of ignoring it. It won’t go away and you deserve to feel the peace of accepting it and going through the stages of grief.
5. Lean into the positive influences in your life
Think of this time as a chance to lean into the positive influences in your life. Maybe you think of friends or family or your new partner. When we say positive influences, that really just means any person who makes you feel good and loved as you are.
You should feel comfortable around them and you should feel comfortable talking about what you’re going through with your ex. Understandably, this is more difficult if you are dating someone new, and your ex keeps getting in the way.
But, it’s still important for you to talk to people about what’s going on. You should feel comfortable opening up about the stress and anxiety that you’re dealing with because of the mind games that you are experiencing from your ex.
It’s frustrating to get out of a relationship and not be able to get your ex out of your life. Unfortunately, you’re not in control of the situation. But, you are in control of the people that you surround yourself with, and the people that you trust to help you through this hard time.
6. Block them on all social media platforms
There’s no reason to keep your ex in any part of your life. Plus, if you block them, and makes it more difficult for them to get into your life.
At a certain point, this becomes about your safety and making sure that they don’t know what’s going on with you, so they can’t intervene. Inevitably, your ex may find ways to send you text messages, stalk you through mutual friends, or contact your family members on social media.
There’s no way to cut them out entirely with the amount of our lives that are online now. But, you can certainly try to keep them off your social media sites enough to keep you that much safer.
A good rule of thumb, when you’re dealing with the lasting effects of a negative relationship, is to do anything that may help keep your ex from playing the kind of mind game that depletes your energy and hurts your mental health.
7. Monitor your mental health and take action to care for yourself
Remember that, in the midst of all of this wild behavior and questionable game-playing on your ex’s part, you still need to take care of yourself. Sometimes, it will probably feel like you are just trying to survive and get through all of your ex’s actions.
That’s totally understandable in your situation. Your ex’s goal is just to get the upper hand in this strange non-relationship. But, that does not mean that you can’t take care of yourself and do what’s best for yourself in the long run.
As stressful as it is right now, you can do this. You can get through this. Of your life and put your ex behind you once and for all. But, you can only do that if you take care of yourself.
Notice any clear signs of stress or anxiety. Notice when you are experiencing low self-esteem from your ex constantly telling you that hurtful things and telling you that leaving them was the worst thing you’ve ever done.
No matter how much you understand what’s happening with your ex, and that you are not responsible for their actions, it still gets to you. All of these red flags, and all of these harmful things that they’re saying, even if you understand what their true intentions are, still hurt.
We already talked about acknowledging the pain of what you’re going through. But we also need to talk about you taking care of yourself as a human being. Watch out for your mental health and take precautions when you notice that your mental health is suffering.
8. Focus on personal growth even if they’re not
It’s hard to think about this scenario through the lens of compassion. In total honesty, we don’t think that your ex deserves you to be compassionate towards them. But, in true therapist form, we think that you deserve to think of the situation like that.
When you think of your ex doing all of these painful things because they’re going through the grief of your past relationship together, it might make a little bit of sense. That does not make their actions okay and it does not mean that you need to go back to them.
But, maybe it will help you think of the possible reasons why they are hurting you. When you start understanding them a bit more, it may help you to focus on your own personal growth. This is even more helpful when your ex still refuses to leave you alone.
When your ex is actively trying to hurt you and stay in your life and play mind games all the time, you can choose to not participate (and, yes, this is difficult).
Not only are you not participating, but you are actively wanting to improve yourself. We know this is difficult, so take your time with this one and try it out when you’re ready.
9. Consider cutting off mutual friends for your safety
Sometimes, the hardest part about ending a romantic relationship is that you lose the people that connected you and your partner. In other words, you don’t just lose a romantic relationship, but you also lose the friends that came with it.
This isn’t always the case, but it’s almost easier when they leave as a result of you and your partner ending your relationship. In the case of an ex who exhibits all of the common signs of mind games, it might be healthier for you to cut those people out of your life.
They are not responsible for the actions of your ex, however, they might still be complicit. Anyone who observes the head games that your ex is playing with you will probably see that they are not healthy and they are not a sign of emotional maturity.
Instead, they show two people close to a breaking point, where no one wins. If you stay friend with them, it will be natural for your friends to mention details about your ex and talk about you with your ex.
So, unless they are willing to cut that toxic person out of their life, it may be hard for you to get your ex out of your life once, and for all, if that’s your goal, if you don’t cut your friends out of your life.
And honestly, if your friends really care about you, they will completely understand, and they might offer to no longer be in your ex’s life. As painful as it is to lose many relationships from one breakup, your own well-being is the most important right now.
10. Avoid responding to them until the next day
When someone treats you horribly, it is so easy to want to treat them just as badly right then and there. One of the classic signs of manipulation is when someone triggers you to act in a way that they portray as hurtful and mean.
In other words, they instigate you into hurting them so that the way they’ve hurt you is not the focus of the situation. Instead, you get blamed for mistreating them when they were the one mistreating you the whole time.
This is the exact scenario we want to avoid. We are not avoiding it for the sake of optics or how people see you. Instead, we avoid this because it is not going to help you get through this hard time and for the sake of your mental well-being.
Your ex might try to contact you. You should avoid responding. However, if for any reason, you think you need to respond, wait. Wait a little bit until you can determine how you can respond without being emotionally vulnerable or emotionally-charged in the moment.
You may want to say things that will hurt them because they are hurting you. But, it doesn’t help to clap back. The strong feelings telling you to do that won’t go away and your ex won’t be affected by your words since they think of it as a game.
11. Consider creating a no-contact rule for yourself
Unfortunately, if someone is playing psychological tricks on you, there’s not a lot you can do to get through to them. Maybe you try the direct approach and ask them to stop texting and calling you. If and when that doesn’t work, you have to create boundaries.
These boundaries are not for your ex to follow. The bottom line is that they most likely will not follow them, even if you’ve explained why. Someone who is playing mind games with you is not interested in working with you.
They are in pain or they have hurtful intentions that have nothing to do with your best interest. So, this boundary is yours and yours alone. It’s probably going to be difficult to not buy in into all of the psychological tactics that they are using on you.
But, you still can set a boundary for yourself around contacting them. Promise yourself you won’t respond to them at all or under certain conditions. For example, if they are berating you and insulting you, you will not talk to them about custody or visitation.
Setting That Boundary
If you are in a position to cut them off, then you may just tell yourself that you will not contact them or respond to them under any circumstance. If you intend on keeping your ex in your life, it might be a good idea to tell them this boundary.
Explain to them that if they are insulting you, or are under the influence of some drugs, you will not talk to them. You can also tell them about your boundaries if you want to cut them out of your life.
However, this boundary is designed to benefit you and to only rely on you adhering to it. Typically, a boundary is designed to help someone learn how to love you better.
But in this case, your ex-partner will likely not respect your boundaries. So, you can alter that thinking slightly to having a boundary that you are maintaining to show your future self that you care about them.
12. Always remember that you can get professional help
You are not alone in this. Whether you rely on your support system, or you decide to talk to a therapist, you are not alone. The best thing about getting professional help is that you have someone who is trained in helping people process their emotions.
There are a lot of emotions and internal mixed signals that happen when you end a committed relationship and start to really hate the person that you were dating.
You’re grieving the relationship at the same time that you are developing this resentment towards the person you may have loved. But, you don’t have to work through those emotions on your own.
We understand that therapy is not always accessible, which is why we create blogs like this. However, we always want to encourage people to reach out to the resources around them if they are available because those resources can be life-saving.
