It’s frustrating to talk to someone and have them give you one-word answers if they respond at all. Indifference can kill relationships and can leave wondering how to deal with indifference.
The whole point of being in a relationship is to feel connected with someone, and indifference is the opposite of that. In a lot of ways, indifference feels like the opposite of love.
What we have to remember, when asking ourselves how to deal with indifference is that there’s a reason behind it. You may not be able to identify that reason, but you can use these tips to get you one step closer.
These 29 tips will help you find the love in your relationship again and remember that you fall in love with your partner all over again if you both do the work.
This post is all about how to deal with indifference.
WAYS TO DEAL WITH INDIFFERENCE:
1. Take a breath in the middle of conflict situations
The best way to start handling feelings of indifference is to take a breath. Slow down and breathe because it’s frustrating to put work into a relationship with an indifferent person. Give yourself credit for researching the best ways to get through to someone indifferent to you.
Since you’ll inevitably deal with the signs of indifference, like a lack of interest, a lack of motivation, and a lack of communication, you’ll get frustrated. This frustration will translate into reactivity when you attempt to communicate with someone who appears indifferent.
Here’s your reminder to be kind to yourself but also to take a breath. Your reactivity will make someone who is indifferent shut down even more.
2. Consider the best time of day for conversations
As you approach conversations with your partner, it’s important to identify as many positive factors as you can. You’ll need all the help you can get to break out of old behaviors.
For instance, it’s natural to get angry when someone isn’t answering you, but this will cause them to answer you even less. So, identify what time of day they’re mostly to respond.
Maybe they’re not at all talkative in the morning and they seem more open while you’re watching TV in the evening.
3. Identify the root cause of their indifference when possible
Indifferent people are frustrating, especially when you are anything but indifferent. You express yourself openly and you need people to understand how you’re feeling. When you’re this type of person and you’re on the receiving end of indifference, it hurts.
You feel distant and angry. This is why it sounds impossible to identify the root causes of indifference. Of all of the tasks you have to juggle, the last thing you want to do is look for the underlying cause for why they refuse to answer your questions.
But, it may help if you get in the habit of empathizing with them instead of staying angry.
4. Actively address indifference without escalating the situation
Name your partner’s indifference. Sometimes, the best way to get someone to talk is by showing them that you notice them not talking. You’re proving you care and you’re paying attention. So, tell them you see them shutting down.
This becomes much less effective if you tell them when you’re angry or they’ve already shut down to the point where they’re no longer listening. Use this tip when neither of you is upset so that they’ll listen when you tell them.
5. Ask yourself about your life goals
One of the easiest ways to handle life with an indifferent partner is to refocus your energy on yourself. This can look a lot of different ways, and we’ll go through them. In this case, we’re focusing on your goals.
Ask yourself what you want for yourself and where you see your life going. Think of your career, if you work outside of the home, and your hobbies. Consider putting more time into the things you enjoy to find fulfillment in other areas of your life. If you’re feeling discouraged, pause.
The purpose of this tip is to help you remember that you need to take care of yourself. You can approach your relationship with more energy and optimism when you’re taking care of yourself while you put in so much effort.
6. Assess every situation for your own personal gain
It’s impossible not to have a personal stake in a relationship. You’re in a romantic relationship with someone you love, so, of course, you’ll want them to share their opinions because that’s what you expect out of a relationship.
However, this also means that you’re not doing the work for the sake of your partner. Even if that’s part of it, that’s not the part they will see.
They’ll see a lack of concern and a lack of empathy as signs that you don’t want to hear their real feelings and opinions, so they are safest when they’re indifferent. This is most likely not true.
But, it is how they have learned to feel through past trauma or ineffective communication between the two of you. Successful relationships require work from all partners.
However, you can still use these tips to help your partner get there. Attempting to help them from a place of love and care is the first step.
7. Prioritize short conversations when you start feeling reactive
You have every right to get angry and you need to feel that anger. Listen to what it’s telling you and take breaks when you need to. However, just because it’s normal and valid to get angry when someone isn’t responding to you does not mean that it’s useful.
When you want to have a real, meaningful conversation with your partner, anger gets in the way of that. So, opt for short conversations to avoid letting your anger shut down the conversation and all of the progress you’ve made.
8. Work on effective communication skills
Communication is key for a relationship to function and adapt. Success means something different in every relationship, but communication always helps successful couples address problems and develop solutions to avoid recurring problems.
That’s why it’s important to work on communication regardless of whether your partner is working on theirs. The moment you begin communicating more effectively with them, you two will feel a shift in your relationship.
When your relationship has a general sense of indifference, any improvement in communication can dramatically change the relationship dynamic.
This doesn’t mean you are the problem or that you should be doing all the work. It’s one of many ways you can work on yourself while also benefitting the relationship.
9. Focus on personal development for fulfillment
While you focus on ways of coping with your partner’s indifference, think about ways you can increase your enjoyment of life outside of them. They should be a source of fulfillment, but, if they’re not, you can still find other ways to fulfill yourself.
Maybe you work on your mental health and start therapy. Or maybe you go back to school and learn a language. Find what makes you feel complete and focus on that as a way to take care of yourself while you work on opening your partner up.
10. Develop your emotional intelligence
Emotional intelligence means that you understand your own emotions as well as the emotions of others. You can self-regulate and develop a self-awareness that helps you to approach conflicts and relationships, in general, in a healthy way.
You learn effective strategies on how to process your emotions instead of taking them out on other people. There are tons of ways to go about this, from research to books to podcasts.
11. Connect with other fellow human beings
When you deal with indifference for so long, it can feel like the norm. This is harmful for a bunch of reasons, including developing feelings of apathy, hopelessness, and getting “stuck.” Being exposed to indifference can make you want to give up on building a better relationship.
You can forget what love should feel like and how to function in loving interpersonal relationships. Plus, you need to nurture relationships outside of your partnership regardless of your partner’s indifference.
In most relationships, people fill different roles, so you can’t expect your partner to be your one-stop friend, partner, and family member.
In a relationship with an indifferent partner, you need other people to remind you what indifferent means and that it’s not the norm. You can expect and work towards better.
12. Ask your partner if they have experienced suicidal thoughts
You can’t rule out the possibility that your partner’s indifference has led them to become suicidal. No one wants to think of a loved one as suicidal, but this is where our love for someone has to overcome our fears and weaknesses.
Open up a conversation about it with your partner. Maybe they’ve never had a suicidal thought in their life or maybe you just opened up a conversation they’ve needed to have for a long time.
When you talk about suicide, remember two important facts: 1) nothing you do or say will be the reason someone commits suicide and 2) talking honestly about suicide is the best way to make people feel seen and needed.
13. Differentiate between the separate needs of you and your partner
The easiest way to determine when you’re confusing your needs for your partner’s needs is to ask what you need. Ask yourself what you’re missing in your relationship. Think of how your relationship makes you feel and how you’d feel safer in the relationship.
Maybe you need space from your partner or you need your partner to reassure you or for them to do more of the housework.
Regardless, take time with this tip and think about it. Once you decide what you need, you can stop assuming what your partner needs because you don’t know until they tell you. So, ask.
14. Find new friends to hang out with for personal fulfillment
Meet new people. Start a salsa dancing class or go to your local gym. You could even start volunteering at a retirement home or nonprofit. The goal is to leave home and start a new activity that you will enjoy while meeting people with similar interests to you.
When thinking about making new friends, you can define friends however you want. They can function like acquaintances you enjoy spending with but only see once a week or people you see regularly outside of your activity.
15. Challenge negative thoughts when you notice them
Negative thoughts keep you in the current situation you’re trying to change. The moment you want to work with your partner and they give you a cold response, you will want to respond with persistent apathy and forget your goal.
Maybe you’ll start blaming your partner out of habit and making assumptions about why they’re acting that way. These negative thoughts may feel like a good thing in that moment, but they’ll hurt you in the long run.
You’re responsible for your actions the same way that your partner is, so that means that you can’t let those negative thoughts influence your actions regardless of how they respond to you.
The way to create real change in long-term relationships is to put your best efforts toward changing the way you approach your relationships. The first move is to challenge your negative thoughts.
16. Consider whether this is the end of a relationship
You can’t talk about apathetic feelings, relationships that feel like the opposite of love, and engaging with cold people without considering the possibility that the relationship is over. Sometimes, the best thing for two people is to end the relationship.
There’s nothing wrong with that and it should not be a source of shame. The clearest sign that a relationship is no longer working is when one or both partners no longer have the motivation to make the relationship work. Please note that this does not apply to abusive relationships.
17. Try new things and involve your partner in these new things
Do something new. Try a hobby you’ve never done before or practice a new skill. Get your partner involved and go to a class so that you two have a structured environment in which you can laugh, bond, and make mistakes together.
Pick an activity that you think they’ll enjoy or that they’ve expressed an interest in before to show them you care about their preferences. The best way to shake up a relationship is to change old behavior patterns, so get out of your comfort zone.
18. Ask the right questions to disarm them
It’s hard to change your habits and thought patterns. You’ve been interacting with the same person for so long that you two have developed harmful ways of relating to each other.
That takes a lot of consistent effort to change and create new ways to see each other and respond to each other. This means that you need to think about the questions you normally ask and the thoughts you normally have that lead you to those questions.
Ask yourself what your intentions are behind a question and be honest. If you get real with yourself, you’ll know when you’re asking a question to give someone a little push instead of asking them because you care.
19. Look for symptoms of mental health conditions in your partner
Remember that your partner could struggle with their mental health. If your partner is a man, they’re more likely to keep those feelings inside. They may not even notice symptoms of depression or anxiety that pop up in their everyday life.
As someone who sees them every day and notices the changes in their behavior when they don’t, look for underlying causes. It may be hard to notice differences in them from their normal selves if they’ve been experiencing mental health issues for a large amount of time.
Do your best and ask questions when you’re not sure. Think of questions like “Have you been feeling tired a lot lately?” or “I notice you’re worrying about this. Is that something you’ve been feeling for a while?”
20. Check for low self-esteem in your partner and build them up
Low self-esteem is a major cause of indifference. It may sound silly to an outsider, but the potential causes of indifference are vast. For example, someone may want to share their opinion but worry their opinion is not worthy of sharing and not good enough for the conversation.
So, they avoid sharing it and appear indifferent when they have a lot to say and no self-esteem to help them realize it’s worth saying.
21. Help your partner learn about coping mechanisms
Once you’re in the right headspace to help your partner out, then try a coping mechanism with them. To get in the right headspace, you want to be sure you’re not angry or resentful at the moment.
You have to approach this tip as a loving partner who wants their partner to feel good. So, do a breathing exercise with them, practice yoga, or meditate with them.
There are lots of other ways to cope with mental health issues, too. Have fun trying new ways of connecting with your partner while they start to feel better.
22. Ask your partner how they feel about their job
Talk to your partner about their job. Ask them if it’s stressful, if they dread starting work, and if they’re feeling burnt out.
They might not even realize that they’re feeling burnt out until you give the words to describe their experience, so ask them questions about what they have been feeling. Think about what you’ve noticed in their behavior and if they’re sleeping more than they used to.
While it’s not possible for everyone and it may be the main cause of their indifference, your partner getting a new job will make a big difference in their life if they’re experiencing burnout.
23. Talk to your partner about their daily life
When you work so hard on communicating with your partner and getting them to respond to you, you can forget that relationships should benefit you.
That’s why it’s a good idea to talk to your partner about normal stuff. Ask them about their day, talk to them about the stuff they love to share with you, and show an interest in what they’re saying.
This helps to demystify conversation and remind you and your partner that you can have silly conversations that make you laugh in addition to the conversations about your relationship.
24. Communicate your desire to have a deep, emotional connection
Let your partner know you want something deeper. It’s easy to stay in a relationship with someone who is a glorified roommate. But, you can ask more and, just by voicing it to your partner, you will change your relationship.
You two can have open conversations about what you want and you’ll get angry, but you’ll want to make the relationship work more than you’ll want to stay angry. That’s when you know that your relationship can last.
25. Recognize that indifference is a defense mechanism
When you think through the reasons why your partner is indifferent, remember that it’s a defense mechanism. Somehow, they’ve learned that it’s safer to be silent and indifferent than to say what they think.
This could also combine with other factors like burnout, depression, and anxiety. They may not have the energy to engage with other people. Regardless, you can talk to them about it. Get curious and ask from a place of love and the desire to help your partner.
26. Identify areas of your life that make you feel insecure
In the same way that the best offense is a good defense, you always want to look at yourself when you’re trying to figure someone else out.
It’s good practice for you to think about your own life and your insecurities. This way those insecurities don’t affect how you communicate with your partner and learn how to understand people better.
This may help you learn which questions to ask and give you new ideas on how to approach your partner with the desire to grow as a couple.
27. Ask yourself if this is a love relationship and worth the effort
It’s powerful that you’re researching to figure out how you can help your partner. The goal of this post is to show you how to reach someone who feels distant. It’s frustrating, but there are steps you can take as we’ve talked about.
However, if you’re the only one who shows any desire to make a change in the relationship when it’s not working for either of you, then you should consider whether it’s worth it. Your relationship should add to your life or, at the very least, be a source of hope.
Hope may come from memories of the person you love or the relationship you had. If there is no hope, there may not be any motivation to grow.
28. Validate your feelings of hopelessness without giving in to them
When you feel lonely in your relationship, it’s natural to feel hopeless. You need to feel that because, if you repress it, you’ll feel it worse later and it will make you angry and resentful. But, instead of letting that hopelessness control you, remind yourself why you’re doing this.
Some part of you believes you can change your relationship to be more fulfilling for you and your partner. Your feelings are real and valid, but you can still have other feelings that motivate you to continue trying in your relationship.
29. Ask your partner if they’d be interested in therapy
There’s no substitute for professional help from a marriage and family therapist. The tips in this blog will get you in the right mindset with some actionable steps to improve your relationship.
But, there’s no substitute for the amount of emotional labor you and your partner will go through. It’s useful to have a mental health professional sit with you and your partner as you talk through your relationship and where you want it to go.
They can help you and your partner rewire your brains to think differently about your relationship and identify alternative stories and new solutions for a better relationship in the future.
