We’re sorry that you’re in this position. It takes a lot out of you to deal with the news that your husband has been cheating. It’s natural to wonder how to get your husband to leave the other woman in a situation like that.
We’ve compiled 14 pieces of advice for you to make the right decision for you about your marriage.
This blog will help you to identify a new way to think about your situation. Plus, you’ll have plenty of questions to ask yourself to make sure that you’re approaching your marriage with the best possible intentions.
This post is all about how to get your husband to leave the other woman.
HOW TO GET YOUR HUSBAND
TO LEAVE THE OTHER WOMAN:
1. Rely on your support network of family members and good friends
First and foremost, you have to take care of yourself. You found out some Earth-shattering news and you deserve some time to process it. It may be worth taking a second to analyze where you are in processing your husband’s cheating.
Lots of factors play a role in how long it takes to process the pain. Think of factors like how long it has been since you found out, how you found out, and how your husband has reacted to you knowing the affair.
You are likely feeling blindsided and shocked, so take time to avoid acting based on your immediate emotions. Talk to friends and family. Lean on the people you trust for the emotional connection you’ll need to get through this hard time.
You may struggle to trust your husband to talk to you or help you get through this pain. This can be true even though you want to work on your relationship and ultimately avoid the end of your marriage. So, find someone who you can trust and who has your best interests at heart.
This is the moment when people may give you advice that is self-serving. This is often nothing more than a reflection of their insecurities. You need someone who can see past that far enough that they’re willing to help you above all else.
You should find emotional support in multiple places (think of family, friends, and within your relationship). But, it’s important to find that one person or small group of people who truly want to help you through this.
2. Accept that your husband’s infidelity is likely a symptom of other problems
You are not to blame for the fact that your husband cheats. Go back and read that again if you need to. Now that we’ve established that, we also need to address the fact that affairs are the symptom of a bigger problem within the marriage.
A marriage is a system, just like the family system you grew up in. You can also think of bigger, societal systems that you’re a part of based on your identities. That means that, when a part of the system is not functioning properly, you see the result of that pop up somewhere else.
Everything is all connected. Therefore, if you and your partner are not communicating openly or fostering your emotional connection, then someone in the relationship might seek a new relationship to fulfill those needs.
This can also happen as a result of one person not putting sufficient effort into the relationship. In this case, they choose to cheat with an affair partner rather than put the work in.
So, when we talk about systems and symptoms, the symptom does not mean that you are a part of the problem. If you want your husband to leave the new woman, then it’s worth asking yourself how you can play a role in improving your marriage.
Therefore, when you are wondering how to get your husband to leave the other woman, you first have to look at the relationship you’re asking him to come back to. You need to understand your relationship well enough that you can identify a few factors that may have led to the affair.
3. Avoid taking action while you’re in the initial shock
If you’re reading this blog, you are likely going through a major trauma. You and your husband agreed to a monogamous marriage, and your husband broke that promise. That is a major breach of trust and, therefore, a trauma.
So, you probably have a bunch of initial reactions that may or may not be helpful in your processing and moving forward from this affair.
When you go through a traumatic event like this, your brain releases stress hormones such as cortisol and adrenaline, triggering the body’s fight-or-flight response. All of these hormones can make it hard to make decisions.
They also make it even harder to process the information that was already hard to process as it is. Plus, shock can activate the amygdala, the brain’s fear center, making it easier to overreact to “perceived threats.”
This can look like intense feelings of betrayal, anger, and anxiety. In other words, you should wait until you have passed through this stage of shock before acting. That way, the decisions you make are clear-headed and in your best interest.
If you don’t wait, you may end up making decisions that ultimately contradict your true goals. Ultimately, this will make it harder for you to repair your relationship, if that’s what you want. Not to mention that when you’re in a state of shock, you need to take care of yourself.
You’re experiencing a high level of emotional distress. The best thing you can do for yourself is take a breath and start the healing process as an individual.
4. Get away from the mindset of a “better choice”
Your first thought when you think of a married man with a woman who is not his wife is that, clearly, going back to his wife is the better option. However, not only is this a simplistic understanding of the complexities behind a relationship, but it’s also not always accurate.
If your husband has cheated on you and you want him to return to your relationship, then that’s admirable on its own. It likely means that you are willing to work through the issues in your marriage despite how badly he has hurt you, which is brave and emotionally mature.
However, that doesn’t mean that it is always the best choice. We’ll talk about some of the reasons you may want your husband to come back to your relationship. For now, we want to dispel this idea that a husband needs to go back to his wife every time.
The truth is that it just can’t be true every time. There are lots of factors that make it impossible for that to be your go-to reason to get him back. To begin with, your husband needs to be motivated to return to your relationship.
You need to be ready to work on the issues in your marriage without holding a grudge because of the infidelity. This doesn’t mean you forget about it, but it does mean that you change your approach to improving your relationship.
Instead of pitting yourself against your husband forever because of his betrayal, you remind yourself that you’re a team and you both are choosing this.
So, in this way, your husband returning to your relationship with the motivation to work through your marital issues has nothing to do with the other woman in a lot of ways. Avoid pitting yourself against her or your husband if you truly want to reconcile your marriage.
5. Recognize the effect of this extramarital affair on your sense of self
Take the time to acknowledge how the affair has affected your self-esteem and self-worth. While you may be able to say that you know the affair doesn’t reflect anything on who you are, it’s a little different than actually believing it.
So, check in with yourself and make sure that you are listening to the way that you’re feeling. If you get focused on trying to get your husband back, then you may distract yourself from the way you’ve truly been affected by the affair.
We talked about how an affair is likely the symptom of something bigger within the marriage, but that has nothing to do with your self-worth. Self-worth is entirely different than how you present in a relationship.
You can be a confident, loving person who is bad at relationships. While an affair is intensely personal, it doesn’t reflect anything about who you are. You can explore the ways you need to work on yourself as a partner without diminishing your worth.
Having said that, your partner may make you question your self esteem. Hopefully, they don’t intend to do that, since intentionally hurting your self-esteem would be abusive. But, they may do it accidentally by comparing you with the other woman or getting defensive and hurtful.
When you two try to have a meaningful discussion about the affair, your husband will likely lash out and hurt you. They are ashamed of their actions without wanting to admit that. Be aware that this is only a reflection of your husband’s insecurities, not your imperfections.
6. Acknowledge that this is a big deal no matter what anyone says
Finding out that you have a cheating husband is a big deal. If anyone tries to downplay it or invalidate the way you’re feeling, it may be a sign that they don’t have your best interests at heart. You are going through a trauma and that’s a big deal.
For you to be going through this trauma and wanting to figure out how to get your husband back shows how strong you are. The best way to pay homage to that strength is by regrouping and taking some time to care for yourself.
Make sure you find good human beings to trust with your emotions. You need people who will tell you that you’re right to feel everything you’re feeling right now.
If the first thing someone tells you is that you need to move past it or accept an affair as a part of true love, then they are not helping you. They are invalidating your valid reactions to a situation that already makes you question everything.
When you find out that your husband is cheating, it’s really easy to begin wondering how many other lies hide parts of your husband’s life from you.
Since you’re dealing with all of this, you deserve to tell yourself the truth. Your husband’s infidelity is a big deal. Even if you want to save your marriage, you have to recognize that. It’s a step towards working through the issues that may have led to the affair.
7. Avoid playing the blame game with your husband
The blame game does not benefit anyone. If you look for someone to blame, whether that’s yourself, your husband, or the other woman, you’re looking for the wrong thing. Naturally, the first place you go to is blaming someone.
Anger is a part of the grieving process, which is what you’re going through right now. Even if you and your husband get back together, you still have to grieve the way your relationship used to be.
Your relationship has already changed as a result of the affair happening and as a result of the affair becoming common knowledge. There’s no going back from that. And, honestly, you wouldn’t want to go back based on how things have changed.
So, no matter who you blame, your marriage is different. Therefore, blaming doesn’t accomplish anything. If you want your husband back, then blaming him or the other woman is not going to do any good. Blaming yourself just leads to self-loathing, which is not fair on your side.
So, accept the affair without trying to blame someone for it. If you aren’t ready to avoid blaming someone, then you probably are not ready to get back with your husband. And you may never be, which is okay.
8. Understand that it’s normal to have a lot of questions
Different people have different reactions to infidelity. Some people want to know every single detail, no matter how much it hurts to hear them. Other people, on the other hand, would rather hear nothing and just move past it. The knowledge is enough to get through.
No matter which spectrum you’re on, it’s okay. Having a lot of questions is normal, but so is wanting to avoid the details about your husband’s affair. You may even have questions about lots of things.
Maybe you wonder how long they’ve been lying, if you still have your husband’s heart, and whether you want to continue the relationship. As you move forward with reconciling your marriage, recognize that it is perfectly fine to wonder about and question your relationship.
It is completely valid to question your marriage, and whether you want to continue it, even if you ultimately decide that you want to get back with your husband.
If you take nothing else from this blog, remember that how you react to your husband’s infidelity, as long as you truly process your emotions without hurting anyone, is perfectly normal and okay.
Trauma affects different people differently, so do not compare your experience to anyone else’s but do validate your experience.
9. Look for ways to get a fresh perspective
Sometimes, it’s exhausting to get stuck in your own head and not have a way of accessing new ideas or new thoughts. It may sound strange, but one of the best ways to get clarity is to have someone to talk to.
You’d be surprised how beneficial it can be to simply talk to someone else. Even if you do all the talking, you can learn a lot about yourself and how you are processing the situation by talking to someone aloud. Journaling can help with this but not to the same extent.
So, it’s a good idea to send text messages and phone calls to the people you trust. Meet up with them in person to talk through what you’re experiencing. Let them give you a sense of reality.
You may want them to tell you how rational you sound to gauge whether you’re through the period of shock and flight-or-fight response. The further you get through that experience, the more ready you will be to talk peacefully with your husband about the next steps.
While there are different ways to reconcile your marriage, it’s important to check in with your approach and get another perspective.
Honestly, depending on who you’re talking to and what type of relationship you have with them, your person may tell you that going back to your husband doesn’t sound like the right way to go about the situation.
Be open and receptive to this perspective. If you want to go back to your husband for sure, you need to have gone through this conversation one way or another. Otherwise, you’ll encounter this issue too late into your relationship and regret not having considered your doubts sooner.
10. Ask yourself why you’re doing this at the end of the day
Your “why” is the single most important part of your journey to reconcile your marriage. Society stigmatizes divorce. It means you gave up and maybe even that you’re no longer affiliated with a certain religion if that applies to you.
You didn’t try hard enough to save your marriage or make your husband happy. Maybe your parents will think that you failed, or maybe you will think you failed. Divorce is often seen as a sign of failure rather than a form of self-care.
Marriage is intensely personal and you are likely experiencing one of the personal aspects of marriage anyone can ever go through. Your husband made the biggest mistake of your marriage, and you’re dealing with the effects of that.
The only way that you can move forward, despite all of the troublesome times and painful emotions, is to find a reason to love your husband and remain married to him that has nothing to do with what anyone else thinks.
It’s hard to remove a lot of people who have a lot of opinions from your decision. But, there’s a good chance that you and your husband will struggle to move past his infidelity.
Finding true happiness will be difficult if you let the opinions of others impact your attempts to build a better life, married or unmarried.
11. Consider getting professional help from a therapist
Let someone who is trained in issues like infidelity and relationship anxiety help you out. If you’re willing to put in the hard work, then the help of relationship experts like a marriage and family therapist can make your life so much easier.
Rather than having to navigate this new stage of your life by yourself, you can get help making that first step and negotiating every step after that. You’re not alone and you don’t have to go through this difficult time on your own.
So, if you need to work through your feelings about your partner’s infidelity without involving them, a great way to do that is by attending individual therapy or couples therapy.
Even in the context of couples therapy, you will find that you can talk openly about your feelings with your partner in the same room as you because you will have a trained professional to mediate.
We know that therapy can be inaccessible for a variety of reasons, which is one of the reasons Knockoff Therapy was founded. Therefore, there is no shame in working through it as best as you can on your own.
However, if you have the means, we highly recommend getting an outside perspective to help make the big things seem a little more manageable.
12. Prioritize your mental health and check in with yourself
Throughout this whole process, you have to take care of yourself. As difficult as it might be, you have to prioritize your mental health. You may want to prioritize your marriage and avoid going through the stages of grief as a result of your husband’s cheating.
However, this isn’t going to work in the long run. Eventually, the effects of the affair will come through in ways that you don’t appreciate or expect. You can work through those feelings now to avoid them affecting your marriage in the future.
Remember that self-care refers to any act that benefits you in the long run and processing your emotions around your husband’s infidelity is certainly one. While we tend to think of self-care as spa days, bubbles in the bathtub, and clay face masks, it’s much more expansive than that.
As you go through this process, use other forms of self-care to make it easier to handle the mental pain that comes from working through your husband’s breach of trust.
13. Stay off of social media concerning your husband’s affair
When you find out about your husband’s affair, you may want to stay off social media entirely for a while as a type of detox. Regardless, you should definitely avoid social media in regard to your husband.
As we’ve talked about, you will be in a state of shock when you find out about the affair. So, you’re going to want to behave irrationally purely out of the pain you’re experiencing. That’s a fair response.
However, the last thing you need is a record of how you reacted to your husband’s affair. Social media would act as a record of the worst moment you may have ever experienced and that record would exist in a public place.
That’s why you should avoid any type of response to his affair on social media. This is especially true if you would like to work through the issues in your marriage.
The last thing you’d want, when trying to reconcile a relationship after an affair, is to have a record of the way you reacted to the affair initially. Everyone is allowed to process things in their own time and react accordingly.
The key is to avoid having those reactions affect other people because you’re not thinking as clearly about what you’re experiencing until you have processed the way it makes you feel.
14. Avoid getting stuck on the “right thing” to do
The right thing is whatever action you want to take. Once you have processed the affair and grieved your old relationship, you’ll gain clarity. You’ll understand what you want out of your marriage and how to move forward.
However, when you finish processing the initial shock and pain, you may still be swayed by outside perspectives. Rather than listening to what you need and what works best for you, you may think about your parents or the people in your life who will judge you.
You may think that getting back into the dating world after all this time sounds like a mess or that you don’t want to break up your family. In other words, you will likely have fifteen reasons to stay with your husband.
Those reasons likely have nothing to do with what you want or what your husband wants. That’s why it’s so important to process your emotions and do a deep dive into yourself. Learn about yourself and get curious.
Figure out what your motivations are before you make a decision you’ll regret later. Whatever you decide, make sure that you truly want to pursue it regardless of what anyone else says or wants.
