Navigating marriages can be challenging, demanding considerable effort and commitment. The reality is, we often underestimate the amount of work required until we find ourselves in a marriage or committed relationship. We end up wondering how to heal a marriage.
There comes a point when we wake up, realizing that the love isn’t there like it used to be. Luckily, as long as we’re willing to do the work, there’s hope. That’s the power you can focus on as you learn how to your marriage.
However, you always need to remember that this hope requires intentional effort and time. Fortunately, we’ve outlined 21 effective strategies to guide you in revitalizing your marriage and rediscovering the love that once defined your relationship.
This post is all about how to heal a marriage.
HOW TO HEAL A MARRIAGE:
1. Focus on putting real efforts into your marriage
Reviving what you see as a failing marriage is a gradual process that requires time and effort. It won’t happen overnight because the most serious problems didn’t start overnight.
Regardless of whether you’ve been married for a short period or several decades, the habits leading to a lack of love have developed over time. You’re on the right track by seeking information and crafting a plan to become the type of married couple you want to be.
In most cases, when both partners are committed, the key is consistently investing effort into your relationship so the love and joy come back.
There’s no quick fix for all the specific issues in your marriage. But, by following your plan of action and simple steps aimed at rediscovering those loving feelings, you can set the foundation for a happy relationship. It’s a lot of hard work, but it’s possible.
2. Remember that marriage will not always look like the beginning of the relationship
Relationships go through change just like people. You and your partner will and have changed since you first started dating. So, you can’t expect your relationship to feel like it did when first started dating.
You can still go on dates and feel the magic that was there when your relationship was new and exciting. But, your intimacy may look different. Your needs might change and you may not need spontaneous day trips or all-nighters with your partner to feel close to them.
What you want in a relationship may change and you may no longer look like the relationships you look like on TV. This is a normal part of maturing in your relationship. Avoid shaming yourself for changing needs and desires.
3. Avoid resorting to excessive anger during arguments
When you’re in a troubled marriage, it’s easy to get angry. You feel frustrated when your partner doesn’t put as much effort into your relationship as you do. Maybe you resent them for not doing the same research that you’re doing at this exact moment.
The bottom line is that it’s easy to get angry when you’re feeling hurt and that anger becomes excessive fast. Arguments can escalate until all you want to do is hurt the other person regardless of how much they deserve it. Hint: your partner never deserves to be hurt by you.
There is always another way to address the source of your anger that doesn’t involve you insulting your partner or yelling at them.
To be clear, you’re human and it’s human nature to say things you don’t mean on occasion. However, when you’re learning how to a marriage, you have to put effort into letting go of the anger in favor of your relationship and your partner’s well-being.
4. Notice positive interactions and focus on recreating them
Positive interactions are just as contagious as negative interactions. The problem is that it’s difficult to transition from negative to positive.
So, if you tell your partner good morning and they respond by asking you why you didn’t do the dishes last night, it’s hard to turn that back into a positive interaction. The good news is that positivity is a habit.
It’s also one of the most crucial habits you can build whether you’re in a relationship or not. It takes time and effort to train yourself to become more positive. But, once you do, you strengthen those neural pathways and make those positive habits easier to access.
Notice positive interactions and respond positively to them. Reflect on why they were positive and pause in the moments when you want to turn them negative, so you can consider why you have that impulse.
5. Always consider if you’re in an abusive relationship
Recognizing abuse in a relationship is like navigating a maze, especially when you’re right in the middle of it. You may not see it even though everyone else around you does. People who care about you may try to give you advice.
But, if we’re honest, it’s not always that easy to walk away. Plus, no one can know what your relationship feels like from the inside Maybe there are financial reasons, deep emotions, or safety concerns that keep you in that relationship.
Sometimes, you’ve never even considered that what you’re dealing with is abuse. Maybe you’ve never experienced a healthy relationship, or you’ve just gotten used to chaos because that’s all you’ve ever known.
Keep in mind that not every loveless relationship is abusive, though that doesn’t necessarily make things easier or less painful.
It just means you’re not facing physical or verbal abuse. If you’re in a spot where you’re questioning things, the Domestic Violence Hotline can provide you with information, resources, and support.
6. Recognize the role of personal problems in your marital problems
Ask yourself how your personal goals and values impact your relationship. This could be as simple as noticing that you yell at your partner every time you get off the phone with your parent. In this case, your discomfort with your parent is affecting your relationship.
You displace anger onto them without realizing it and they have no idea why. Another example of your issues affecting your partner is job stress.
Maybe you have a big presentation coming up and you snap at your partner. Instead of letting these issues inadvertently affect your marriage, bring them in intentionally. Talk about them and ask for support.
7. Find a common ground with your partner
Identify a desire that you and your partner share. This can be as simple as a desire to participate in the same activity, so you prioritize that. Maybe you two love to go sky-diving together and that’s the common ground on which you build your relationship.
Once you have been with your partner for long enough, you know each other and you’ve built a relationship from some initial love you shared. Even if that foundation is gone, you can’t erase how well you know the other person and how much of your life you’ve spent with them.
So, find common ground between you two that brings you together in a new, unshakeable way. This can also be something like the desire to work on your marriage (an important one!).
8. Work on your communication skills
Most of us understand that communication is important and useful for a healthy relationship. But, when we’re told to get better at it, it can easily get overwhelming, especially since everyone tells you how important it is for a healthy relationship.
The word itself might carry weight and seem vague. But, in reality, all communication means is that you express thoughts you already have. Share the stuff that’s already on your mind. We all have tons of thoughts in our heads about ourselves and our partners.
Maybe your partner says something that triggers insecurities, leading to a snide comment instead of expressing the hurt.
Communication is simply about being honest with your partner, sharing your feelings, and letting them know what your needs are. Luckily, the more that you work on communicating, the more it becomes communication more natural and open.
9. Take a moment to consider how your spouse feels
Empathy is crucial for a relationship to work. Empathy never means negating or ignoring your feelings at the expense of someone else’s. Instead, you tell value their feelings at the same level that you value your own. So, when you fight, you think about how that argument affects them.
When you do that, you may stop and think about what effect your words have on them before you say the hurtful thing you want to say and don’t mean.
10. Let go of negative feelings
Negative feelings are addictive. They’re hard to release. Even if you want to heal your marital relationship, it’s hard to let go of those negative feelings.
The reasons are different for everyone, but one of the most common is that you hold onto them at least partially because you’re lonely.
Instead of focusing on the loneliness within your marriage, you focus on the anger, pain, or guilt. You may even feel vindicated to shame your partner for not making you feel loved or valuing you. Ultimately, this hurts you and it’s worth letting it go.
11. Acknowledge that your marriage might require different expectations
Let your expectations change and question them. Ask yourself if your expectations are based on what you want or what society tells you to want. Think of the kind of marriage that makes you feel good and ask yourself if your expectations align with that image.
It’s possible that you think you need to heal a marriage that works for you only because your marriage looks different than society thinks it should. Good marriages look like a lot of different things, but what matters is that everyone’s needs are met and communicated effectively.
12. Celebrate positive change when it happens
When you think about your marriage, it’s probably pretty easy to think of five complaints. Maybe they didn’t wash the dishes like they promised or they forgot to get more olive oil for dinner. The odds are this is how you’ve gotten used to thinking about your marriage.
You see the problems way more clearly and vividly than you see the solutions. It makes sense because you’ve been dealing with so much negativity in your marriage when you used to only feel the positives like love and joy and companionship.
However, focusing on the negatives doesn’t make you happy. It doesn’t benefit you in any way, especially if you want to learn how to heal a marriage. Instead, it traps you in a cycle of negativity, making it almost feel like you deserve the pessimism.
You might find yourself blaming your partner entirely for a broken relationship, absolving yourself of any responsibility. But, let’s be honest. Deep down, you know this isn’t true.
It’s just easier than the alternative of accepting that you both are responsible for your marriage, the good and the bad. Despite how easy it is to focus on a negative interaction, it’s more fulfilling to acknowledge and concentrate on the positive changes in your marriage.
13. Put time and energy into your emotional connection
Just like with every part of your marriage, keeping your emotional connection alive takes some intentional effort. It boils down to feeling comfortable enough to share your emotions and sensing that your partner gets you, sees you, and listens to you.
It sounds like a lot, especially if you’re coming from a place of getting basic human connection back. Maybe it’s scary to think about getting vulnerable with your partner because it’s been a long time since that’s happened. That’s exactly why you need to do it.
Building this connection indeed means respecting each other’s feelings. And, let’s face it, when love seems to have taken a back seat, trust and openness might be in short supply.
It’s normal to to feel scared, especially if you’re making the first move, and it’s frustrating if you think your partner isn’t doing their share. That’s where the real marriage work kicks in, and you’ve got to figure out if it’s worth the effort because it is worth it in the end.
14. Plan a date night once a week to reconnect
When your mind is constantly stuck on the tough spots of your marriage, it’s easy to feel drained and overwhelmed. You think you’ll never get to a place where you feel good again and thankful for your partner.
The exhaustion can keep you from seeing all of the positives and how possible change is. That’s a common feeling, but surprisingly, something as straightforward as organizing a date night can work wonders in dispelling that heaviness.
If trying to remember the last time you and your partner went on a date feels just about impossible, that’s okay. But, it does mean that you’re overdue for a date night.
It’s not about the date being a flawless solution to all your marital challenges or magically rekindling the intense love from your early days.
Rather, the process of planning a date serves as a reminder of hope and love. It allows you to tap into the special feelings you experienced when you first started dating, providing a fresh perspective on the potential of your marriage.
15. Put time and energy into working on your physical intimacy
Physical intimacy means different things to different couples. It could involve cuddling while watching a show, setting aside dedicated time for sex, or even engaging in spontaneous and lighthearted make-out sessions on the couch.
The key is not to pressure yourself into physical intimacy that doesn’t align with your comfort level. This comfort level might change as you get more comfortable with your partner, again.
But, meet yourself where you are. Initiating a conversation about physical intimacy can be a good idea, especially if your needs in this area have changed.
Maybe you’re expressing the desire for more hugs and kisses or discussing the frequency of sexual activity. Either way, it’s important to approach these conversations with compassion for both yourself and your partner.
Building or rebuilding physical intimacy takes a lot of time and effort, so being intentional about incorporating touch into your relationship is crucial.
16. Learn from the difficult times rather than dwelling on them
Use the rough spots in your relationship as learning opportunities. This means that you feel the pain, you talk through the pain, and you never cheat the pain. But, you don’t dwell on them any more than you need to recognize how you can grow from that experience.
Say your partner cheats on you and you choose not to leave. In this case, you would talk it out thoroughly and make a plan on how to best move forward. You let them know you can continue to trust them after this. You’re willing to move past it.
This means that you don’t hold it against them every time you fight or shame them whenever you want to feel superior. Respond to a hard time in your relationship authentically and stay true to that response for the sake of your relationship, even if it’s ending.
17. Reminisce on the good times with your partner
Revitalizing your relationship often involves revisiting the love you once shared. Taking the time to reminisce, whether you do it by looking through old photos or sharing memories over dinner, can be a powerful way to reconnect.
Consider meeting up with old friends who embody the spirit of the couple you used to be. You’ll be surprised how good it can feel to talk about who you used to be and how you used to be as a couple.
It can remind you that you and your partner deserve to find that love again with each other and how much it meant to you when you had it. When you share these moments with your partner, express your love for them then and now.
It’s essential to approach this process with openness, avoiding manipulation and ensuring that both of you actively participate. Communicate with your partner about your desire to rekindle the love, turning it into a collaborative effort to bring joy back into your marriage step by step.
18. Listen to the wise advice you get from people around you
Get an outside point of view. Avoid relying on these outside perspectives to guide your decisions. When you make decisions about your marriage and your partner, they should ultimately be guided by your understanding of the inner workings of your marriage.
You understand your marriage better than anyone else. Having said that, talking it out with your friends and family can be useful because they can identify cognitive distortions as they see them. They can let you know when the reality of a situation is different than you how see it.
19, Spend quality time with your partner
Scheduling time with your partner goes beyond traditional dates. It’s about creating moments that foster closeness. Quality time varies for each couple.
It can look like engaging in conversation on the couch, sharing a quiet moment, or any activity that strengthens your connection. Effective communication is crucial here, as you and your partner may have different interpretations of quality time.
By discussing and understanding each other’s perspectives, you can ensure that your time together aligns with both of your needs, preventing feelings of disconnection and fostering a deeper bond.
That way, you can avoid someone feeling like their needs are not being met all because one of you has a different definition of quality time that neither of you realized before you talked about it.
20. Foster mutual respect between you and your partner
Take a moment to assess the level of respect within your relationship. It’s important to acknowledge that both partners may not currently respect each other.
As much as it hurts to say that out loud, this is one of the truths you may have to acknowledge as you work to heal your marriage. In a case like that, you have to decide whether the negative feelings outweigh the effort required to create a healthy marriage again.
If you find yourself unwilling to consistently invest the work and energy necessary for a happy and fulfilling marriage with your current partner, you have to admit this to yourself.
Acknowledging the limitations and complexities of the situation is both brave and challenging. On the other hand, if you recognize and reciprocate respect with your partner, capitalize on those moments.
Use this respect as a solid foundation to navigate and address the challenges within your marriage. Approaching your relationship from a place of respect allows you to engage as the best version of yourself, laying the groundwork for good things to come.
21. Attend therapy with a marriage counselor
You’re never alone in wondering how to heal a marriage. You’re never alone in pursuing that brave endeavor. And it is brave. It’s brave to confront the reality of a relationship that is comfortable, and you don’t have to do it alone.
Marriage counseling is an effective tool to help you work through the problems in your marriage. So, you can end up with the relationship you both want and deserve.
You and your partner can learn about the baggage you both bring to the table and how that affects your marriage. There’s no easy answer to healing a marriage, but working with a marriage and family therapist is a good first step.
