Your husband is cheating on you and you don’t want your marriage to end. It’s difficult to be in the position to ask yourself, “How do I make my husband leave his mistress?”
Despite the pain you’re going through right now, we hope that we can provide you with the information you need to make an informed, thoughtful decision that serves you.
We’ve compiled ten pieces of advice that can help you approach the next phase of your marriage with certainty and confidence. Before you continue reading, we want to be honest in saying this blog will not explain ten steps to make your husband leave his mistress.
Instead, we focus on identifying lots of reasons that may be swaying your decision to leave or stay whether you’re aware of them or not. Our goal is to help you question the reasons why you want to ask your husband to leave his mistress and identify if that’s the best decision for you.
We don’t want to convince you that it is or isn’t the right decision, but we do want to give you the tools to make that decision for yourself.
Disclaimers: Before You Read
Why We Don’t Focus on Your Husband
We’ve done this for many reasons. First, we don’t think there’s any way for us to predict what would bring your husband back to you or if it’s possible. It would be unethical for us to claim that we can guarantee you will get your husband back if you follow the steps we laid out.
Second, we don’t think that’s the right approach to finding out your husband has had an affair. It makes sense that you want your husband back. Infidelity changes the way that your marriage works.
From the moment your husband started cheating to the moment you found out, your marriage will change. It will never be the same even if you and your husband get back together and commit to trying again.
The Nonexistent Magical Formula
However, we want to focus on the mindset that you approach this new phase of your marriage with instead of telling you that you can get your husband back with our magical formula.
While you won’t have the exact recipe to guarantee your husband leaves his mistress, by the end of this blog, you will understand the best way to face all of the big decisions you’re about to make about your marriage.
Maybe you and your husband end up going different ways in life. Or you decide that your husband did the wrong thing, but he’s willing to work with you to create a better marriage.
No matter how you go about it, these ten hard truths will help you create a better life post-affair and make you into a new woman who is comfortable with the decisions she has made.
This post is all about how to make your husband leave his mistress.
HOW TO MAKE YOUR HUSBAND
LEAVE HIS MISTRESS:
1. The real issue is rarely the extramarital affair
Typically, when someone cheats on you, your reaction is somewhere between “I did something wrong and that’s why they’re cheating” and “They don’t deserve to breathe the same air as me because they are cheating scum.”
Since you are reading this as a way to get your husband back after the affair, we’re guessing you relate more to the first statement than the second. So, when we say that the real issue in a marriage is rarely the affair, we mean that there is something deeper going on.
The relationship is breaking because of unresolved issues in the relationship. They may have been there for a while and built up to your husband having an affair. Having said that, your husband cheating is his choice and his alone. You are not responsible for that in any way.
You Are Not Responsible for His Actions
But, you may be partially responsible for not resolving some other issues within your marriage. Infidelity is complex and it’s far more complex than a blog post like this can even explain. We can speak to our training as Marriage and Family Therapists.
That means that we can safely say that, when someone rebels in a family (cheats on their spouse), it is that family’s way of acknowledging that the system needs work. Something about the family or marriage is not working and it needs to be addressed.
Therefore, an affair may be the result of a phenomenon like this where one person inadvertently acknowledges that something in the system, family, or marriage isn’t working and hasn’t for a while. The good news is that this can be fixed if both parties are open to it.
This is key for creating the right mindset to work on your marriage because it’ll bring unresolved issues to the surface and challenge you to work through them rather than opting for an affair or some other form of acting out.
2. People sometimes only stay married as a business arrangement
We don’t talk about the role that money plays in marriage enough. Not only was it illegal for a woman to have a bank account even just fifty years ago, but it’s still not common for couples to talk about money openly.
Maybe they wait until they’re married and find out their partner has mountains of debt or they just let one person handle all transactions period.
Marriage is a huge financial decision as much as it’s about love and the government recognizing your chosen person as someone meaningful in your life who is not technically related. Therefore, we need to talk about money if we’re talking about marriage and infidelity.
It may not be possible for you to leave your cheating husband without experiencing financial ruin. Hopefully, that’s not a factor and you really just want to fix your marriage and have the love of your life back.
However, it’s worth considering how many marriages still exist solely because the people in them are too uncomfortable with the idea of establishing new financial roots and a new life post-divorce.
It’s a privilege to leave your partner because you are financially independent. So, we want to address that in case you haven’t considered the role that money plays in your choice to stay or leave.
We don’t say this lightly and we know the word “privilege” can often lose its meaning if it’s not discussed in a thoughtful way.
However, finances can ruin even the most beautiful relationships based on true love. So, no one is immune to the role that money plays in relationships and the decisions we make.
3. Marriages end for many reasons and that’s okay
You’re not here to read about the fact that your marriage is allowed to end. So, if this doesn’t feel right to you, skip to the next one. However, if there’s a piece of you that feels relieved to consider leaving your husband after he cheated on you, then buckle up.
Divorce comes with stigma and, for the people who have watched you stay married for however long you’ve been with your husband, it’s going to feel uncomfortable to have them see you without him.
You go from being married to your best friend to watching your husband and your husband’s mistress start a new relationship without the shadow of infidelity.
The fact remains that your marriage can end simply because it no longer fits you as a married woman or your husband as a married man. Sure, we don’t want to devalue marriage or to speak lightly of its meaning.
We’ve already talked about how meaningful it is. But none of that meaning or value is more important than your happiness. You’re allowed to realize that you don’t want to be married to your unfaithful spouse anymore. It’s okay to realize that you want to leave.
It’s equally acceptable and understandable to stay and try to work through the issues that might have led your husband to have an affair. Don’t let the reason you want your husband to end his affair be because you don’t want to have a divorce on your record.
Having said that, it’s okay to want to stay in your marriage because you love your husband and you don’t want to feel shamed for it. You deserve to make the best decision for you without being judged or made to believe your only option is the choice you don’t want to make.
4. Affairs may be caused by something as simple as a midlife crisis
By this point, you’ve known about your partner’s affair for long enough that you’ve probably gone through every emotion possible. You’ve likely thought about every single interaction you could think of for signs of infidelity.
You have also probably wondered what you did to make him cheat. Since you’re human, you’ve probably also had moments where you were resolute in believing that you did nothing to deserve this and wished ill on your partner.
All of this is normal when you find out your husband cheats. The most important person in your life went outside of the relationship for some reason instead of talking to you about the lack of communication in your marriage or their midlife crisis or their insecurities.
While you will always be left with a lot of questions that are unanswered, you can rest assured that whatever made your husband cheat could have been something as simple as insecurities he was too scared to share with you or anyone.
It May Not Be That Deep
People change and your current husband may not be the same man you married, just like you are likely not the same person you started off as. We’ve talked about affairs sometimes demonstrating a deeper issue within the marriage (visit #1 if this doesn’t sound familiar).
However, it’s also possible that affairs happen for silly, inconsequential reasons no matter how much emotional turmoil those silly reasons cause. It may hurt to know this more than it helps.
But, it can be a little comforting to know that that affair your husband had, whether it was one-night stands over a couple of months or a long time relationship, may have been caused by a poor choice made by a careless man.
Affairs are still inappropriate whenever they happen, but you can rest easy knowing it may have had nothing to do with you (fortunately and unfortunately).
5. Your ideal life partner may no longer be the person you married
Relationships and marriages vary too much for anyone to make a “one-size-fits-all” statement. For example, some people will argue that you can stay married to the same person your entire life as long as you put in the work.
These same people either ignore ongoing conflicts that inevitably break down their marriage or think they have experienced every possible conflict and survived. They push this mentality onto you with the idea that they’ve done it and you can too.
However, within this group of people, there are inevitably people who are hypocritical because they are unhappy in their marriage and refuse to truly address the big issues.
We’re not condemning these people or arguing that they should divorce their spouse against their better judgment. But, we do think that the argument, “We’ve stayed married, so you’re a failure if you don’t” becomes problematic because it’s judgmental.
It doesn’t come with the necessary context and it comes with certain conditions that don’t exist in every marriage. Sometimes, our idea of the “perfect partner” changes and, if we’re lucky, our partner changes with that.
But, it doesn’t always happen like that. It can also be devastating to experience the wake-up call that your spouse is no longer the person you want to be married to.
Maybe this is the reason your husband cheated or maybe it isn’t. At the very least, this truth does give you the chance to re-evaluate whether the marriage you’re fighting for is one you want to keep.
6. Your marriage may not be a loving relationship anymore
The hardest thing and also the most important thing to realize about a marriage is when it no longer is loving. At the end of the day, you deserve a partner who wants to spend time with you and cherishes the moments you have together.
This doesn’t always have to be the case. You two are allowed to have complacent days here and there and you’re allowed to get angry with each other. But, you want your marriage to be a good relationship on top of being a legal partnership.
Marriage or no marriage, you get to enjoy your partner. An affair does not automatically mean your marriage is loveless or that either of you has failed to build a loving marriage. Until you ask your partner, you won’t know the reason they cheated.
Even if you ask them, you may not get the true answer. Instead, you can rely on what the marriage feels like to you. You can ask yourself if it feels good, loving, and worthwhile to you.
We recommend you go through this process of getting curious about your own marriage and questioning assumptions you’ve had for a long time.
You might decide that your marriage is indeed loving, and you’ll have a better chance of getting your husband back than if you tried to save the marriage for the wrong reasons.
While you can’t guarantee your husband will leave his mistress, end his affair, and return to your marriage ready to do the work, you can guarantee that you will better understand your marriage, which is sometimes all you can focus on.
7. You have to put effort into a marriage every day
Most of us know of the idea that marriages don’t just happen. You have to put work into them to make sure they stay happy and thriving. However, we can’t always identify the proven steps that help us achieve that.
When we think of “marriage work,” we might imagine date nights, physical intimacy, or watching TV together. This is all valuable, especially if those are the needs within your relationship. However, it’s not the date nights that make a marriage last.
Instead, it’s the connection that happens within those date nights, moments of physical intimacy, and endless hours of watching TV together. It’s easy to let days, weeks, and eventually years pass without realizing that your marriage is no different than living with a friend.
Yes, you spend almost all of your time together, you may cook for each other, and you kiss occasionally. But, you also have to ask yourself what about your marriage makes it loving. What makes your marriage feel like a marriage?
Complacency Doesn’t Equal Failure
It’s natural to get complacent over time because you fall into a routine that feels comfortable even if it’s not fulfilling. If you’re being honest, though, there’s some part of you that wants to rediscover your emotional connection with your partner.
Whether you cuddle in bed on a Sunday morning or you go for a date night where you talk about your relationship, you and your partner have to put the work into your marriage to keep it alive.
When your husband cheats, it doesn’t automatically mean your marriage is dead or that you stopped putting in the effort. It’s possible that you’re the only one putting in the effort and your husband is the one who stopped trying.
It’s frustrating. And, honestly, it can be difficult to save a marriage when you’re the only one invested in saving it.
That’s why it’s worth asking yourself about areas in your marriage where you’ve stopped putting effort into your marriage to gain a holistic understanding of your marriage overall.
8. Your partner’s infidelity is their choice
Ultimately, no matter how much we discuss other factors at play, we have to acknowledge your partner chose to cheat on you. You are not responsible for their decisions and you can’t control them.
You’re interested in reconciling with your partner. Now, you wonder how to reconcile with them. At this point, you have to enter that conversation knowing they chose to cheat and you can’t blame yourself for that.
That way, if they choose not to reconcile with you, you don’t start believing that it’s your fault. It’s easy to experience low self esteem when your partner cheats because it feels personal. Cheating is personal on one level while being completely impersonal on another.
Your partner did choose to cheat on you, which broke the trust in your relationship and that is incredibly personal. However, it likely had nothing to do with anything you did or said, which makes it their mistake and their mistake alone.
Process Your Pain
You can feel the pain from their mistake without taking ownership of it, and that’s an important distinction to keep in mind as you work through the pain of infidelity. You can approach them with positive intentions of working through the infidelity and other issues in your marriage.
But, you have to do that knowing that they can truly believe the best way of moving forward is to split. It’s a good idea to start grieving the relationship you had. Even if you and your partner try again, you will have a fundamentally different relationship because of this major event.
So, start thinking about the type of relationship you will have with your husband if you two agree to try for the second time. Remember that you have the power to tell your husband you need time to process and you also have the power to make them miserable.
However, when you make someone you love miserable, it never makes you happy, so watch out for the ways that your pain and anger make you want to hurt your husband the way he has hurt you.
9. Try to keep family members out of your marriage
The hardest part about being married can sometimes be the family members who want to be involved. Since there is so much stigma around infidelity and some people are always ready to gossip, you may want to keep people out of your relationship.
You will need some people to talk to because the best thing to do when you’re overwhelmed is to talk it out. You have a lot of feelings and thoughts in your head right now. So, you need someone you trust to help you out. The hard part is deciding who will be the person you trust.
As a rule, you may want to limit the amount of people who know about your husband’s cheating just to keep your sanity. People will ask questions, want details, and generally forget that you need support.
Be intentional about the people you talk to about your marital issues and make sure that they support you towards your goal. You might want someone to give their advice or opinion, but both of you should be aware that your opinion is the most important.
Choose Your Confidants Carefully
Other perspectives are helpful because they can give you the much-needed outside opinion that you would otherwise not have. However, you can’t ask someone to make the hard decisions for you because they won’t be authentic to you. Plus, that’s not fair to the person you’re asking.
If they truly care about you, they’ll tell you to make the best decision for you even if they choose to share their opinion too. So, be careful who you talk to, and remember that people can be very divisive over issues like this.
For some people, affairs end relationships and there’s no room for negotiation in their eyes. For others, divorce is the ultimate failure and they will stay married no matter what happens in their marriage.
Neither of these is healthy as they are strict boundaries that don’t allow for flexibility based on context. As you tell people, listen to their reactions and ask yourself if they’re listening to what you want or forcing their own opinion on you.
10. Recognize that right now might be the time to start your healing process
The hardest part is accepting pain when there is still hope. It might be something smaller like waiting for an email after you interview for a job or it’s something much bigger like waiting for your husband to call you back after walking out.
In both of these situations, you’re wondering what’s going to happen next. You have anxiety and you’re just waiting. Everything but your reaction and emotional regulation is outside of your control. So, you feel stressed out.
But, you don’t fully let yourself grieve what you’ve lost until you know there’s no hope. This makes sense and it’s absolutely natural. However, just because it’s a natural reaction to discomfort doesn’t mean it’s going to serve you.
Instead, you can take this opportunity to accept that, no matter what happens with your husband, your marriage will never be the same. You may, in the best-case scenario, you reconcile after a long, meaningful conversation about your marriage.
But, it’s still going to be different because you’re rebuilding trust. If your husband decides he wants to leave the marriage permanently, your life won’t be the same, let alone your marriage. So, in any case, you need to start acclimating to a new way of living for yourself.
It’s no small thing to experience your marriage changing through no choice of your own. Give yourself some slack, have some self-compassion, and tell yourself it’s okay to start mourning your marriage now.
The healing process is going to be painful whenever it begins. But, hopefully, you can work through all of your uncomfortable feelings now instead of letting them build and cause more pain over time.
Permit yourself to start healing from the trauma, now. You don’t have to wait until your trauma is over.
