Talking to a narcissist takes a lot of effort, and you are brave for taking on the responsibility of learning how to effectively communicate with a narcissist.
While we can’t guarantee that a narcissist will listen even if you use these tips, you will learn how to take care of yourself and avoid the stress, anxiety, and frustration that come from talking to a narcissist.
So, the next time you get a narcissist’s message, you’ll know how to formulate the best response based on what you want out of that relationship and how to care for your needs.
This blog is all about how to respond to a narcissist’s text.
RESPONDING TO A NARCISSIST’S TEXT:
1. Decide if there is a reason to respond
Before you get invested in a lose-lose situation, it’s a good idea to decide if this is worth your energy to begin with. You can rely on people within your support system, but you can decide for yourself if there’s a good enough reason to spend your energy on toxic behavior.
Maybe you value this person in other ways, outside of their narcissistic tendencies and that’s enough to invest time into a response. Or maybe you worry about your safety if you don’t respond.
2. Figure out the best mode of communication to get your point across
Once you decide that you want to talk to this person, then you have to decide how you can best get them to hear what you’re saying. While you are not in control of how they react or listen to you, you can choose the best mode of communication for your purpose.
In other words, you can talk to them in person if you think they will be receptive and you want to have a serious conversation. However, texting or calling might be a better way to avoid narcissistic abuse.
3. Before you text them, take a few deep breaths
Take a moment, before you text them or respond to them, and self-regulate. By taking to breathe, you are taking the best course of action.
It’s not driven by anger, sadness, or pain because you are acting out of calmness rather than reactivity. Unfortunately, the person you’re talking to likely does not have the same ability to self-regulate because they lack the self-awareness to realize it’s necessary.
So, you can do your best to take care of yourself even if that means that you’re accepting that the other person is incapable of self-regulating.
4. Compose your message using a neutral approach
No matter how long you’ve been dealing with narcissistic people, you probably are tired of the negative attention. You deserve to feel angry and annoyed that someone treats you poorly when you, at one point in your life, valued them.
But, the powerful tool you can use when talking to a narcissist is remembering that they won’t respond like a normal person without mental health issues. They will rely on defensiveness and other narcissistic traits to give a quick response without listening to what you’re saying.
On the off chance they do listen, that’s fantastic, but you still have no way to guarantee that. To increase your odds of them hearing you, approach the conversation from a neutral position without emotions and strictly based on facts.
5. When all else fails, stick to the objective information
It’s impossible to enter a conversation without emotions attached. When you’re talking to a narcissist, this is even more true because your emotions will not change their reaction.
While they might show empathy, it doesn’t impact them the way it impacts the average person because they are so consumed with maintaining their ego.
So, go into a conversation with the narcissist’s ego in mind and remember that that ego will keep them from connecting to you the way you deserve.
6. Avoid the trap of searching for signs of genuine remorse
When someone treats you poorly, you expect them to feel remorse. This is especially true when you make clear to them that they hurt you. However, narcissists struggle to view a situation in different ways.
If they’re able to, they feel too insecure to admit that they’ve done something hurtful. Instead, they’ll get defensive. This means you can’t expect a narcissist to apologize because it goes against what makes them a narcissist.
A healthy person would see your emotional response and feel remorse because they were the cause of it. However, narcissists will have too many barriers for them to feel remorse and much less admit it.
7. Stay true to your main goal when composing a text
Define your goal before you start talking to the narcissist. Whether it’s a narcissist ex or are narcissistic parent, identify the goal you want to achieve with this conversation. In a typical conversation, you can define a goal that works for both individuals.
Maybe your goal would normally be to talk about a specific issue and work through it to a compromise. However, with a narcissist, you will not reach a compromise and you can’t expect that to happen.
To compromise, they would have to listen to you and accept that they can improve themselves in some way. This is unlikely because it threatens the narcissist’s fragile ego.
Instead, focus on your goal based on your needs and emotional well-being. Stay true to that goal when the text conversation becomes emotional and difficult.
8. Keep in mind that they may experience a lack of empathy
Maintain low expectations when you talk to a narcissist. If you attempt to bring up an issue in your relationship with them or set a boundary, they will revert to their first instinct, which is to protect themselves.
Most of us share that same initial instinct, but we typically can see past it with time or further conversation. A narcissist, on the other hand, will have much more trouble surpassing this immediate response to show empathy and give you emotional support.
In other words, narcissists won’t respond to vulnerability in a meaningful way because they will more than likely see it as an attack instead of an attempted connection.
9. Create firm boundaries as you initiate conversation
Boundaries scare most people because people talk about them all the time on social media. The word “boundaries” is one more mental health word that has now lost its true meaning because of how often it is used in inaccurate contexts.
Unfortunately, this gives narcissists even more reason to get defensive and shut down the conversation. But, you need to set boundaries if you want to start a useful, productive conversation.
As we talked about earlier, the key to creating a good boundary is to remember what your ultimate goal is, regardless of how the narcissist responds.
Stick to your goal and create boundaries to protect your mental health along the way. If you effectively communicate, you can’t help that the narcissist doesn’t respond or listen well.
10. Recognize and avoid playing mind games
The moment you get the nagging feeling in your gut that something isn’t right with the narcissist’s text messages to you, believe it.
If you feel like something is off with the messages or that they show a pattern of texting habits that mistreat you, lean into that feeling.
Oftentimes, this will help you recognize when a narcissist is playing mind games. The sad part is that they get so used to these defense mechanisms that they may not even realize they’re giving your narcissist word salad or love bombing you.
But, if you notice something strange in their behavior, like random words or convoluted phrases and sudden broad declarations of love, acknowledge that behavior and avoid participating in it.
11. Remind yourself that, despite their actions, they lack self-esteem
The idea that a narcissist lacks self-esteem appears contradictory on the surface. It’s strange to think that someone, who is so self-absorbed, could be self-conscious and insecure. However, that is the root of their narcissism.
Narcissists need validation and reassurance that they are as superior as they think they are. Therefore, their actions, as harmful as they can be, generally result from a deep-seated insecurity that they are not enough.
So, when someone reinforces the insecurity, they lash out and the hurtful actions that come from that are the direct result of insecurity rather than the highest possible self-esteem.
12. Monitor your emotional state and notice reactivity
The more you get involved with a narcissist, the more all of your effective strategies will go out the window because you will be frustrated at their indifference. You’ll notice yourself getting more reactive as the conversation goes on because they’ll hide all of their emotions from you.
So, the best way to take care of yourself while you talk with a narcissist is to monitor yourself. Take a break when you need to breathe and re-evaluate the conversation. The more reactive you get, the more they will stay cool and collected, completely detached from the conversation.
Reactivity will shut them down and it will frustrate you, so notice yourself getting upset and emotional before it takes more energy than you have to give.
13. Avoid looking for an apparent reason to explain their actions
Every action has reasoning behind it, even if the person doesn’t even know what that reasoning is. But, the bad news is that we don’t always get that information from other people.
In other words, when a narcissist hurts you, shows zero remorse, and love bombs you randomly, you probably want to figure out why they act the way they act.
However, just like with most people, especially those who lack the self-awareness to explain it to you, you can’t spend your time trying to decipher the reason become someone’s actions.
Narcissists make this process even more painful because they don’t think the same way that you do and you have no way to understand the way they think.
14. Consider setting up phone calls if texting is a struggle
There are plenty of reasons why texts are a struggle. For one thing, it’s draining to find new ways to respond to narcissistic text messages. Plus, technology use can change the dynamic of a conversation dramatically, which you can choose to use to your advantage.
Call the person or talk to them in person if texting is not working for you. In some cases, meeting them in person might be less draining than responding to a barrage of text messages.
15. Always keep an eye out for red flags
As a general rule, you should always keep an eye out for red flags. This is especially true when you’re in the presence of someone who has a history of neglecting your needs and ignoring your ignores, which is what the typical narcissist does.
Even if you notice a red flag in every sentence they say or text they send, it’s worth the reality check to watch for red flags. This is a great tool to keep you grounded in the moment and less reactive because you notice their true colors and can maintain the upper hand.
Use this as a tool to stay grounded instead of a tool to use against them. You won’t accomplish anything by attempting to call out their red flags. They’ll get defensive and the conversation won’t go anywhere productive.
16. Prioritize your own needs because they will prioritize theirs
As the saying goes, advocate for yourself because no one will advocate for you. While this appears to be a dark, extreme claim to make, it’s important to keep in mind when you talk to a narcissist.
Their top priority will be to maintain their self-image and get validation that that self-image is accurate, even if they hurt people who care about them in the process.
So, that means they will hurt you if you let them and they will be too focused on themselves to worry about your needs and much less meeting them.
17. Enlist the support of a family member
Turn to a family member when the need strikes you. There’s nothing wrong with asking for help, emotional support, and someone to listen if nothing else. Different people can help give you a different perspective, especially if you’ve been dealing with this for a long time on your own.
As silly as it sounds, you’ve heard your own thoughts many times. It can be nice to hear someone else’s perspective on a situation to make sure you’re seeing it correctly.
18. Focus on speaking from your experience and only yours
Narcissists believe they are the most important person in any conversation because they’re so focused on themselves. They don’t have the mental capacity to worry about you or how you’re responding to a situation unless it endangers their self-image.
For instance, they might love bomb you if they hurt you horribly and you let them figure that out. Instead of admitting that they were selfish and less than perfect, they’d rather make you believe they did nothing wrong.
This is the reason why you have to focus on your needs when you’re talking to a narcissist. Speak from your experience with “I” statements because they can’t contradict the way you feel no matter how hard they try.
19. Avoid apologizing because that distracts from the issue at hand
It’s always important to own up to your mistakes and stay accountable. However, this is most useful when you are talking to people who also own up to their mistakes, or have the capacity to at the very least.
Narcissists see apologies as a way to admit their weakness and, as we’ve talked about, they can’t do that and maintain the image they have of themselves.
So, you can’t spend time on apologies because it will distract from the conversation at hand. If you notice yourself making a mistake, acknowledge it and move on to accomplish the goal you set out before the conversation started.
20. Keep a few key phrases in your back pocket
Before the start of a conversation, come up with a few key phrases that will help you accomplish your goal without getting tangled in a narcissist word salad.
Phrases like, “I love you and I need you to hear this,” “Okay,” and “I’m here to talk about…” will help you direct the conversation forward. The phrases can be simple, like “okay,” which doesn’t engage with their thought, but it does indicate a response.
Other phrases can be goal-oriented, in which you remind the other person why you’re talking and that won’t engage in tangents.
If nothing else, these phrases can shut down moments of defensiveness by reminding you that you don’t have to respond to everything they say. In other words, when they don’t listen to you, you don’t have to engage with them.
21. Forget the idea of defending yourself
It’s easy to get defensive and, honestly, you probably have every right to defend yourself when you’re talking to a narcissist. They likely misunderstand you, purposely or not, and that’s frustrating. But, you can’t defend yourself and accomplish your goal in the same conversation.
Just like apologies will derail the conversation by admitting some fault of yours that they’ll dig into (as a way to distract from their faults), your defending yourself will open up a can of worms. They will choose this can of worms over addressing the real issue you brought to the table.
22. Check that your expectations of their behavior are realistic
Make sure your expectations are accurate when you enter a conversation with a narcissist. It’s not fair to account for someone else’s actions and triggers when they don’t account for yours.
But, that’s the only way you get to talk to a narcissist without them shutting down and disregarding you entirely. These tips may not get them to listen, but they can help you communicate with a narcissist and do your due diligence.
That’s why you have to enter the conversation knowing how much of the work you are doing to monitor your reactivity and stay on target, all for your benefit.
23. As Maya Angelou once said, “When they show you who they are, believe them.”
As much as it may hurt to hear, the possible narcissist in your life will show you who they are eventually. They’ll hurt you and they won’t do the work to repair the damage in any way that feels real or beneficial to you.
If you are in a romantic relationship with a narcissist or have a narcissistic friend or family member with narcissistic tendencies, you will eventually see someone’s true colors.
The best you can do, on the receiving end, is take care of yourself, set boundaries, distance yourself if needed, and remember that it’s not your responsibility to connect with a narcissist if they don’t do the real work to connect with you.
