You’re navigating life with a narcissist and you want to take care of yourself. For once, you want to feel like they’re not taking advantage of you. Maybe you even want to learn how to turn the tables on a narcissist.
This blog will give you 7 tools to help you get there. But, before we dive in, we want to include a disclaimer about the content of this blog and our goal.
This post is all about how to turn the tables on a narcissist.
Disclaimer
We believe in you and your agency. Navigating life with a narcissist is difficult and exhausting. That’s why we want to make the goal of this blog clear.
We are not advocating for any type of manipulation or (what we would argue are) unhealthy behaviors or tactics for coping with a narcissist. We want to offer you more tools to deal with narcissism.
These tools will only include behaviors and circumstances you can control within yourself. We value your time and we value the goal you’re trying to accomplish.
So, we want to make sure you understand the type of tools we can offer you on this blog so that you can identify the resources that will be most useful to you on your journey.
HOW TO TURN THE TABLES
ON A NARCISSIST:
1. Critically consume all of the information you read about narcissism
You will read lots of information online about Narcissistic Personality Disorder. Since you are trying to navigate having a narcissist in your life, you’re likely finding all of the resources you possibly can.
We’re happy to be one of the resources you’re choosing to help you figure out your situation. As one of your trusted resources, we want to take a moment to remind you to verify the information you find online.
Whether you google a comment made by a content creator on social media or click a link that directs you to the source of an online claim, take care of yourself by verifying sources and the accuracy of any cited facts. Read directly from a reputable source whenever possible.
Make sure that the person or entity whose content you’re consuming makes some type of disclaimer about their content. Maybe they remind you that they are not your licensed therapist.
Therefore, they state the information they share is strictly for informative and entertainment purposes only.
Maybe they tell you they’re not a licensed mental health professional. Look for reasons to trust your sources and find trustworthy sources if you’re not sure about the ones you’re currently reading and consuming.
2. Learn how to set firm boundaries
The term “boundaries” has become a major buzzword online and in media. In case you need a small refresher on what boundaries are and what they mean for you, we’ll summarize it.
Boundaries communicate to other people how you want to be treated and stay in a healthier, more caring relationship with them. For example, you can identify a toxic behavior that someone else does that activates a negative emotion or emotional reaction.
Maybe your mother calls you to complain about your father or your daughter hits you when she is angry. Both of these behaviors upset you and make you react in a way that hurts your mental health and possibly your relationship with the other person too.
You then set a boundary by communicating the behavior you don’t like. State why you don’t like it and what you will do if the other person engages in that behavior again. Let them know that this is a way for you to take care of yourself while staying in your intimate relationships.
In the cases we just mentioned, you would tell your mother that you don’t like when she complains about your father because you feel like you have split your loyalty between your parents.
Then, you tell her that if it happens again, you’ll have to hang up to avoid getting upset over it. In the case of your daughter hitting you, you could tell her that she is hurting you when she hits you, so, if it happens again, you’ll have to leave the room.
You can also empathize with the other person if you’d like. But, you don’t have to do that in order to successfully communicate a boundary.
When you’re setting boundaries with a narcissist, you have to assume they will break your boundaries the moment they are inconvenient. Therefore, you need to practice setting strong boundaries that you follow through on your end.
3. Practice noticing manipulative tactics
If you’ve made it to this blog, then you likely have lots of experience dealing with a narcissist. It may have taken you a while to recognize the person for what they are and their actions as narcissistic behaviors.
However, you’re here now and you’re researching ways to take care of yourself against emotional abuse from a family member or romantic partner. So, one of the major steps in supporting your growth is to get faster at recognizing manipulation for what it is.
The brain is incredible and it can grow and develop in reaction to what you choose to learn and improve upon within yourself.
Therefore, through the process of neuroplasticity, you can strengthen the neural pathways in your brain that help you to:
- React to the situation in a way that protects you from harm
- Develop an awareness of what’s happening around you
- Notice when someone’s narcissistic traits are affecting you
4. Focus on your “why”
You’re going through a difficult time in your life right now. When you have to deal with a narcissist, you go through a variety of emotions. On occasion, you may feel angry and want to “beat” them at their own game.
You may want to find ways to get the upper hand, like reading through this blog. Other times, you may need to be reminded that the narcissist is hurting you and you have a reason to set boundaries with them or exclude them from your life.
At the end of the day, you are experiencing a hard process that comes with lots of manipulation, abuse, and gaslighting. The best way to fight all of that is to identify your “why.” Your why is the reason why you don’t let this person back in after they’ve hurt you in the past.
You can come up with a reason that makes sense to you as long as it keeps you strong and motivated to not let this person hurt you again.
Your “why” reminds you that you deserve love and kindness. You don’t deserve any type of manipulation and abuse when a narcissistic partner or loved one makes you question everything around you.
5. Familiarize yourself with the motivations behind narcissism
Narcissism is motivated by an inflated sense of self. This may sound obvious because “narcissism” has become a buzzword that people use way more often than they should to describe people.
But, it’s important to recognize that narcissists tell themselves a grandiose narrative about their sense of self. Their worth is tied to this inflated identity and grandiose narrative, which means they need to believe this narrative at all costs.
Narcissists also need other people to consistently affirm and re-affirm this narrative. Narcissists need to believe in their inflated sense of self and relative perfection in order to maintain a sense of identity.
The ultimate threat to a narcissist is contradicting their narrative or bringing it into question. Once you do this, narcissists become volatile and dangerous. They will lash out and hurt you to maintain this narrative.
Throughout the process of this cycle, they will likely tell themselves that the hurt they cause you is due to you victimizing them.
6. Remember it when a narcissist shows their true colors
Maya Angelou’s quote, “When someone shows you who they are, believe them” certainly applies to narcissists. People can change, but you can’t change them. So, let people show you who they are. Show them who you are and watch how they react.
It’s okay to forgive a narcissist or to forgive someone and believe they’re capable of change. When you start to doubt yourself and doubt your perception of reality because of what someone else tells you, then you need to remind yourself of your “why.”
Whether you write yourself a note, make yourself a video, or tell a trusted friend to remind you of a narcissist’s true colors, remember who they are when they show you the first time.
7. Always prioritize your mental health
Your mental health matters. You matter, and you matter more than anyone who is emotionally abusing you. Talk to people around you. Ask a trusted friend for help or for a reality check. Check-in with other people.
Set boundaries whenever you notice yourself struggling and before you get to that point. Attend a support group with people who have similar experiences as you.
Remember that you can always cut off a narcissist before they begin threatening your mental health or the moment they start to hurt you. It’s not your job to love a narcissist. It’s your job to take care of yourself and seek professional help when it’s useful and accessible to you.
