Writing a goodbye letter to someone you love might be the hardest thing you do. It requires you to work through your feelings enough to understand that a relationship has to end and you have to be the one to end it.
When you draw the ultimate boundary of cutting someone out of your life, you are doing one of the bravest things possible. While there’s nothing that can make the process feel better, you can use these 11 tips to guide your letter-writing process with compassion and certainty.
This post is all about how to write a goodbye letter to someone you love.
The Basics of a Goodbye Letter
When you are writing a goodbye letter, you have to remember that you are going to experience a lot of emotions that will make you question everything.
So, if you are ready to dive into the emotional part of a letter because you know what to write down, skip this and continue to the next section entitled “Goodbye Letter.” However, if you are curious about what to actually include in the letter, this is the part to read first.
A goodbye letter, at its most basic, is just a way of telling the other person that the relationship is over. You can do this in a variety of ways, depending on how long you want this letter to be and how emotional you want to be.
Focus on the Tone
If you are sending a text, it will likely be much shorter than if you wanted to write an email or actual letter. If you want your letter to feel positive, hopeful, and maybe even loving, then focus on telling them that you hope they feel the same way.
You may even tell them that you both saw it coming and you’re taking action first. However, if you are interested in a different path, such as giving them an itemized list as to what they did wrong, it’s a good idea to take a step back from the letter and breathe.
Nothing good will come of blaming the other person. And, honestly, it won’t even feel good to you. We’ll explain more later, but, first, we’ll talk about what to do instead. Rather than blaming or accusing them, stick to “I” statements about your feelings.
The more that you focus on yourself, the more productive the letter will be. If you find yourself really struggling to write this letter, ask yourself why you’re writing it to begin with.
You can ultimately decide to never give it to the other person, and write it solely for yourself. Continue to the next section where we talk about the emotional side of this goodbye letter.
GOODBYE LETTER:
1. Stay focused on your individual needs
Ultimately, you are writing this letter for a reason. Whether the relationship was toxic or it was a simple time for it to end, stay true to yourself and your needs. Once you start writing this letter, you will probably experience some emotions from the grieving process.
Maybe you’ll get angry with the person. Maybe you’ll remember so many wonderful moments that you’ll think the relationship shouldn’t end at all. This is all normal and it’s a part of the process.
It’s just as important to your process of grieving the end of a relationship as it is to write this letter with your needs in mind. Remember why you’re writing this farewell letter. Spell it out for yourself.
You could even physically write it or type it out to serve as a reminder for moments when you’ll be experiencing enough anxiety and pain that you might question writing the letter at all.
Identify the reason you’re ending this relationship, even if it’s a mutual decision and the reasons are complicated. Be clear and remind yourself of those reasons frequently. This reminder will help you to follow through with the goodbye love letter.
Plus, it will the letter from becoming too painful or vindictive. The purpose of the letter is to communicate that your relationship is over. You can opt for some kind words like you write this with a heavy heart, you wish them a happy ending, or they made you a better person.
Only write these things if they feel true because you deserve to end on a note that is authentic and fair to you.
2. Remind yourself of the reality of your relationship
Always refer back to the reality of the relationship. This does not mean you need to relive the trauma of a potentially toxic relationship or abusive relationship. However, it does mean that you need to stay focused on the facts.
When the relationship is ending and you’re spending less time around the other person, you may start to focus mostly on the good memories. It’s okay to reminisce about your relationship, especially if there truly were beautiful moments that you can take with you when you leave.
This does not take away or change the fact that the relationship needs to end for valid reasons you’ve decided upon. You went through the emotional trauma of deciding to end your relationship. We don’t use the term “emotional trauma” lightly.
If you have decided to end a relationship and write a final letter to seal the ending, you have experienced emotional distress because of that.
Maybe it’s guilt from ending the relationship or fear of how your best friend, family member, or partner might react upon receiving your heartfelt letter. The distress and pain you’ve gone through that led you to end the relationship may change your perspective on the relationship.
You may be tempted to decide the easy way is to continue the relationship or that the relationship wasn’t as toxic or abusive as you thought. This is when you need to remind yourself of the reality of your relationship, whatever it might be.
3. Wish the person good luck with future endeavors
Write your letter from a place of gratitude. This is not meant to erase the other person’s actions or to invalidate you for writing the emotional goodbye letter to begin with. Instead, when you write from a place of gratitude, you can write from a place of positivity, love, and compassion.
You don’t need to absolve the person of any wrongdoing or let them know that everything is fine between you two. You do, however, need to be grateful for your relationship and write with that in mind. No matter what that relationship was like, you walked away a different person.
Maybe they abused you and you learned not to accept that treatment because you deserve better. Or maybe your relationship was beautiful and you learned a lot from them even though you ultimately want different things.
Tell the person that you wish them luck with the future. They may deserve it for being a loving person in your life or they may not deserve it.
Either way, you deserve to leave that relationship and all of its negative emotions behind. You deserve the chance to start fresh and one way to get there is by treating them with kindness whether or not they deserve it.
4. Remind yourself that the easy way is not always the healthy way
Hopefully, you have experienced loving, meaningful relationships that show you what healthy love looks like. When you’re in a healthy relationship, it’s easier to see the differences between the relationships that feel good and loving, and the ones that don’t.
Admittedly, it is easy to stay in a relationship that is not healthy because that’s what’s familiar. As humans, we like to stay with what is familiar, as opposed to trying something new and experiencing something that may not end well because it is unfamiliar.
We like the guarantee of familiarity. So, when we were considering leaving a relationship because it is not healthy, it can be the hardest thing to do.
You have to trust that, if you have gotten to the point of writing a letter to someone, you have made the right decision in excluding them from your life. Therefore, if you start questioning yourself while you write this letter, remember that you are doing a difficult thing.
It will be understandable if you are not sure that you are doing the right thing. When you are in the middle of doing an emotionally difficult thing, you can wonder why you even started it to begin with.
It can feel like you brought this pain on yourself, which makes it a lot harder to follow through. So, if you need to hear it again, then remind yourself that you’re doing the right thing because you have gotten this far for a reason.
5. Let them know you want to end on good terms but this is the final goodbye
In the spirit of wishing the other person good luck, let them know that you want to end on good terms. That doesn’t mean that you still talk every week or that you’re video chatting every other day. It does mean that you don’t have to hate each other when you leave this relationship.
When we say this, we want to emphasize that, if your partner, family member, or best friend was abusive to you, you absolutely do not need to do them any favors. This is not for them. It’s for you.
You deserve to leave the resentment, anger, and pain in the relationship when you leave the relationship. It’s not cut and dry nor will it be automatic. But, if you leave with the best intentions, you will take that energy forward instead of the resentment, anger, and pain.
However, when you wish them good luck and tell them you want to end on good terms, you still need to be clear this is it. The relationship is complete and there is no more contact.
Any more contact with them will violate the contract you make with yourself when you decide to end the relationship. As we talked about when we discussed focusing on your own needs, you constantly need to re-center yourself when writing this letter.
You are ending the relationship because it no longer benefits you if it ever did. Any kindness that you give them is purely so that you can walk away and have a fresh start somewhere else.
You are giving them kindness by saying that you want to end on good terms. And the relationship ends there because that is what you are telling them. Do not let them take the kindness that you are offering and take advantage of it.
6. Worry less about finding the right words than writing the words
There’s no easy way to write a goodbye letter. You can labor over the right words for so long that you don’t end up writing any words. So, if you take nothing else from this blog, remember that a letter that is written is better than a letter that doesn’t exist.
You are writing them a letter, for whatever reason that works for you, so stick to that. Remember that this letter is performing a task, and nothing more.
It doesn’t need to be perfect, but it does need to communicate that the relationship is over and that you don’t wish them ill will. It’s entirely possible that as you write, this letter, you’ll be actively going through the grief process.
You’re still enduring the pain of losing that relationship. It makes sense that you would be missing this relationship, even if it was not good for you. Let yourself grieve the relationship.
However, do not let yourself not write the letter because you are scared of writing the wrong thing. You do not owe this person a letter, but if a letter is the only way that they will understand the relationship is over, then you owe it to yourself to write it.
The only goal of this letter is to let them know in no uncertain terms that this relationship is over. Whatever else you add to it is purely your decision.
So if when you were writing this letter, you are not sure what to include, just remember that it only has one purpose, and stay true to that one purpose.
7. Be kind to yourself because you’re doing the right thing
Be kind to yourself. You may need to plaster that on your wall if you’re having a hard time remembering. As a general rule, you should always be kind to yourself. Most people are exceedingly hard on themselves, no matter what.
We hold ourselves to much higher standards for myself than we hold anyone else to. The thing about emotions is that they are barely convenient. They often pop up at the worst moments, especially when we try to ignore them.
No one likes to feel pain or uncomfortable. But, the good thing is that the discomfort you feel from writing this letter is discomfort from change. As we have said, before, if you have gotten as far as writing this letter, you have a reason for doing that.
We may not know that reason, but we know that you can trust yourself. So, when you feel discomfort at the thought of writing this letter, it’s okay. That’s the type of discomfort that it’s okay to feel and process.
Thus, you need to be kind to yourself as you work through the letter and your emotions simultaneously. This letter may not come easily, and it may not come quickly. It will probably be pretty hard to write because you are ending a relationship that meant something to you.
It meant enough that you were writing a letter to end it. Recognize, as you go through the emotions of this letter, that it’s a hard process.
It doesn’t have to be easy, and it probably won’t be. Stay true to your decision and accept the feelings that come up. Don’t be hard on yourself for feeling the pain of a relationship ending, even if you decide to end it.
8. Remember that relationships take work even if it comes easy
We can’t talk about a goodbye letter for a relationship without talking about relationships themselves at least a little bit. As you reflect on your relationship, because that is an inevitable part of writing this letter, think about what happened in the relationship.
Maybe it was cut and dry, and the person abused you. In that case, you did nothing wrong. However, it’s still worth considering what relationship work did or did not happen. Even when a relationship comes easy, that does not mean that there is no work to be done.
Relationships fall apart, most easily when we assume that they will continue remaining easy when there is no work put in. We mentioned earlier that it’s important to enter this letter with an attitude of gratitude.
It’s with this attitude that you can assess your relationship for the successes and failures. Use it as a blueprint for a future relationship so you know what to do differently next time. You deserve to have healthy, fulfilling relationships.
The best way to do that is by looking at your past relationships and identifying what you can take forward into your next one. The only lesson that some relationships will give you is that you need to choose a different person to be with next time.
There’s nothing wrong with that as long as it is authentic to you becoming a better person after ending that relationship.
Or maybe you will accept that you played a role in this relationship ending. Think of this as the opening for personal growth, and the place where good wishes can become genuine, instead of a forced portion of this letter.
9. Be clear that you are going your separate ways
When you’re writing this letter, it is a good idea to consider the audience. It may sound silly to talk about the person that you were ready goodbye letter to as an audience.
However, you want your audience, or the person that you’re writing this letter to, to walk away with the understanding that you are taking separate paths. You are no longer in a relationship, no matter what that relationship looked like.
So, even though we have talked about gratitude and good luck, you also need to be clear. This means the relationship is over. This is the goal of the letter. If you feel like you can accomplish nothing else with this letter, make sure you say that.
When you are in love with the person that you are writing this letter to, it’s going to be difficult to make it clear without wanting to gravel and revert to the relationship. That makes sense, and that’s why you have to be compassionate towards yourself.
You have to understand that that will come up, but it does not negate the reasoning behind this letter. You’ve already done the hard work emotionally. You’ve gotten to the point of writing this letter, and you were actually doing it. Or you were researching it, which is just as important.
Remember that you can take breaks and walk away and come back. But, at the end of the day, you need to tell the other person that you are taking different paths.
You can add whatever else you would like, especially other notes that we have included in this blog, but do not let any of that get in the way of this. The only thing that matters in this letter is that you both walk away with the same understanding.
10. Focus on the good times and happy memories
Hopefully, by the time you reach this point in the writing process, you are accepting that the relationship is over. You are accepting that it is not benefiting you anymore and you are choosing to write this letter for a reason.
You believe in yourself, and that matters. So, give yourself the gift of remembering the good times. It’s likely that, even if the relationship was toxic, there were good moments. Maybe you were with your true love and you sincerely don’t know how to find another person like that.
Even if you’re ending the relationship, you may think that the other person is the only person you ever want to love. It’s completely possible that you love someone who you know is not good for you. Or maybe you believe you’re not good for them.
No matter what the circumstances are around the relationship ending, you still deserve to think of the happy memories. You deserve to keep them. As long as they don’t bring you pain, and it may take time for that to be true, don’t let the end of the relationship taint fond memories.
You can remember positive times from your relationship without invalidating the fact that the relationship needs to end.
You deserve to appreciate the times when you were happy with the person, even if you’re in pain now. This is all part of approaching the end of your relationship with gratitude instead of resentment and anger.
11. Let this be the closure letter for both of you
It’s probably clear by now that this letter will be a form of closure for both of you. You will go through the process of grief as you write it. And the other person will read it, and understand that this means the relationship has ended.
You may be the one deciding to end the relationship, but that does not mean that you shouldn’t get closure too. You deserve closure as much as the other person does, so treat yourself like you do.
Take care of yourself as you write this letter, and take care of yourself when you give it to them. We recommend you do not give it to them in person because that will likely cause you a lot of pain and you’ve already gone through a lot of pain by writing them the letter.
You can expect that there will be a space in your life where they used to be. And you can miss that person in that special place that they used to occupy without wanting them to be back.
It Will Hurt
That might be the worst type of pain because you wish the relationship was not ending even though you know it has to. No matter what is going through your head right now, know that you can handle it.
Enlist the help of many dear friends, family members, and other loving people to help you get through it. Spend time with the people who make your life richer and remind you what a healthy relationship feels like.
You do not have to go through this alone, and there are definitely lots of people who will help you work through it. Remember you are doing a brave thing by spending time with the people who make your life richer and remind you what a healthy relationship feels like.
You do not have to go through this alone, and there are definitely lots of people who will help you work through it. You are doing a brave thing by ending a relationship that you know needs to be over even if it hurts.
Final Words of Encouragement
Once you finish your letter, focus on the next step for you. Rather than worrying about how it sounds, or the edits you might make, ask yourself if this letter fits the person that you want to become. It doesn’t have to be perfect, and it can’t be.
There is no perfect way to write a goodbye letter to someone you love. It’s impossible to ignore the pain from this breakup, whether it’s a friendship, familial, relationship, or romantic relationship.
It’s going to hurt, and you can use this letter as a way of working through that. Don’t forget that you can be grateful for this relationship ending. You don’t just have to mourn it, and you’re allowed to feel joy and relief before you’re done grieving.
