Personality tests should never dictate who we date or how we find happiness with the right person. However, we can’t deny that tests like the Myers-Briggs type indicator change the way we understand ourselves and others. This is why we need INTJ dating tips.
Personality types can even be useful for understanding the differences between our partner and us. But, it’s still scary to think that you are dating someone who thinks in a completely different way than you.
These 41 personality characteristics will help you learn about the INTJ you’re dating so that you know what you’re getting yourself into and how you two can be the best match for each other.
Keep in mind, as you read through these traits, that any two personality types can be compatible for strong relationships as long as you two are willing to do the work. So, good luck, and have fun learning about your partner.
This post is all about INTJ dating tips.
INTJ DATING TIPS:
1. They will not play your mind games and may not even notice them
INTJs are logical human beings who see mind games as pointless. They won’t respond well to any tactics you use to get them to show interest.
You may not get them to communicate with you, given that’s one of their biggest flaws, but that doesn’t mean you should resort to games. Opt for asking them honest questions because they will appreciate this and respect you for it.
2. They have an analytical mind, which means they operate with logic first
INTJs value logic over emotion, which drives their decision and life goals. They prefer logic to feelings, so they won’t automatically share their feelings with you. For them, emotions are almost irrelevant because they don’t play a role in how INTJs operate.
3. They have a tough time reading emotions
INTJ dating can get frustrating fast. Since emotions don’t play a role in their decision-making unless they actively make the effort, they won’t think about emotions concerning anyone else.
If you avoid texting them after a date because you don’t want to come across as needy and you’re nervous they don’t like you, they won’t understand your motivation. In their eyes, you didn’t text them because you were busy or tired.
3. They avoid sharing their deepest emotions
Vulnerability doesn’t come naturally to a lot of INTJs. Instead, they’d prefer to discuss intellectual topics like philosophy, politics, or their existential crisis.
So, you’ll have to help them get comfortable and used to expressing their emotions for the sake of emotional connection in their intimate relationships. Show them they can trust you by taking an interest in them and encouraging them when they do speak about their emotions.
4. They prefer to keep a small, intimate social circle
An INTJ is, first and foremost, an introvert. This means they prefer a deep connection with one person to small talk with a bunch of acquaintances. Keep this in mind as you plan dates and consider your personality type (extraversion vs. introversion).
Part of your job as their dedicated partner is to challenge their comfort zone. So, invite them to meet your friends, but be aware that this will exhaust them.
5. They approach the dating phase from an analytical perspective
INTJs love analysis because it guides their plans, goals, and decisions. This also means they’ll approach just about everything in their life with a critical lens through which they make decisions and get closer to achieving their goals.
When you’re dating an INTJ, whether you’re dating an INTJ woman or man, they will criticize you. They will be blunt and probably hurt you sometimes. Just know that if you get through the dating phase, they will be forever loyal to you as a long-term INTJ partner.
6. They struggle to articulate their emotional needs
Since they struggle to factor in emotions when making decisions, they will often find logical answers to the problems they face. Other times, they won’t be able to articulate why they’re feeling a certain way in your relationship.
Maybe you upset them and triggered a relationship issue they’ve had in their past or seen in their parent’s marriage. They won’t be able to tell you that or explain why they got upset without practice and effort.
7. They may end up with lots of short-term flings
If your INTJ partner has had lots of partners before you, this is likely because the others didn’t live up to their standards. Don’t freak out. You are a different person and you might be a much more compatible partner than anyone else they’ve dated.
Remember that they are critical of their partners to the point that their relationships will end early once they know this person is not their person. This means you won’t spend your time in a relationship that won’t work for you if the two of you don’t split up.
8. They are intelligent individuals who thrive when problem-solving
INTJs love to solve a problem. They’ll probably go into problem-solving mode the moment you mention a problem to them.
This means that, when you complain about a family member or coworker, they will try and solve the problem rather than listen. Remind them that you don’t need them to solve the problem and continue sharing.
9. They aren’t concerned with adhering to social conventions
Social conventions often do not align with logic. This is why INTJs don’t care about social norms most of the time. They aren’t controlled by the same forces that control people who are driven by their emotions.
For instance, they’re not worried about their mom complaining when they don’t dress up for a holiday dinner. They also may not be affected by people staring at them for cutting in line.
10. They can get stuck in their own heads
INTJs are introverted and fascinated by intelligent, unanswered questions, which leads to a lethal combination of getting stuck in their thoughts.
They may get caught with so much information circulating in their head that they disconnect from reality and their ideal partner (you). So, if they aren’t paying attention to you, bring them back to the present and they’ll probably be happy to rejoin a conversation with you.
11. They do their best work in a structured, problem-oriented environment
INTJs thrive in structure and they love a clear goal. There’s no clearer goal than solving a problem and getting creative with the solution. They love to engage their brain in problem-solving and analyzing a situation with all available information.
This means they can often get caught up in solving a problem, possibly analyzing it much more than is necessary. But, when they do this, it’s because they value the problem at hand and want to put their full energy into its solution.
12. They struggle with open communication about feelings and needs
While INTJs value their close relationships, they struggle to show it with open communication about how they feel.
They also don’t realize that potential partners need important pieces of information from them like how they feel. They also don’t realize they should probably ask about the feelings of others to make them feel more valued.
13. They might struggle to form a deeper connection with other personality types
The Myers-Briggs personality types can feel eerily accurate and provide you with useful insights about yourself. But, that does not mean they define what MBTI personality types you should date.
INTJ will indeed struggle to connect with certain personality types because the weaknesses of INTJ will not mesh well with the strengths of another personality type.
However, any relationship can overcome these differences by putting effort into romantic relationships and creating an unexpectedly good match.
14. They need to find common ground in how you two see the world
INTJs will be most content in a relationship when they have a similar worldview as their partner. The right person doesn’t need to agree with every belief an INTJ has, but they do need to have some perspective in common from which they can grow.
INTJs value intellectual conversation and, to do that, they must have something in common with the person they’re talking to.
15. They are great listeners during an intellectually stimulating conversation
Their definition of interesting may not be the same as yours. Still, this is when INTJs are most invested in a conversation with you. Keep in mind that this is about compatibility.
You two may not be the perfect match for each other if you don’t find the same topics of conversation interesting.
16. They have high standards, which can be difficult to live up to
INTJs know what they want in a partner. From the start, they are honest about their ideal partner and whether you fit those requirements. It sounds cold, but it’s more about transparency.
You will never be left guessing if they like you and want to continue a relationship with you. Having said that, their standards are high and it can hurt when you don’t meet them.
The best way to try and make it work with an INTJ is by doing the research, like reading this blog, to learn about the INTJ personality type.
17. They will be direct people when talking about problem-solving and logic
INTJs are frequently direct and honest with others. They might be painfully honest at times, but they won’t see themselves as blunt or harsh.
Instead, they’ll see it as reasonable, necessary, and honest. This applies best to situations where they are solving a problem because their analytical brain turns on and they forget how their words might affect people emotionally.
18. They do best with long-term relationships
You always need to prioritize yourself and your needs. It’s possible that you and the INTJ in your life are not compatible and neither of you should force it to work.
However, if you’re dating an INTJ and you two have found ways to complement each other’s weaknesses, then you will build a relationship that stays strong for a long time.
While there are no initial “tests” per se, INTJ type personalities tend to know what they don’t like in partners and break up with people before it gets too far. So, once you become official and date for the long term, they will be all in with you and 100% loyal.
19. They are independent people because of their vast inner worlds
One of the biggest reasons why INTJs disconnect from conversation is they get distracted by their thoughts. They have lots of ideas and vast imaginations, thanks to their problem-solving skills, which means they have a vast world within them.
INTJs can thrive as independent people because they have so much interesting stuff going on in their brains. They are constantly working towards new goals, creating new ways of solving complex problems, and considering intellectual issues.
20. They will tell you when they think you’re doing something the wrong way
INTJs have no problem pointing out flaws or mistakes in other people. They think of this as a way to make a process more efficient rather than thinking of it as criticizing someone.
So, they’ll tell you when you’re doing something wrong, even if it’s just different than the way they do it. The good news is that they’re willing to consider a better or more efficient way of fixing a problem if you take the time to explain why your method is better than theirs.
21. They will struggle to make the first move even if they like you
As much as INTJs are goal-driven and honest, they are still introverts. Introverts often struggle to initiate social interactions because it takes so much time and energy to make it happen.
If you’re interested in an INTJ, ask them out. The good news is that they won’t waste your time if they’re not interested. The better news is that they will be incredibly happy if you make the first move and they do want to go out with you.
22. They struggle with providing emotional support
The instinct of an INTJ is to problem-solve. They want to fix problems around them and find ways to make the world more efficient where there are no problems.
So, when you introduce a problem to them, whether it’s a conflict with a coworker or a sickness in a parent, their first instinct will be to fix it. They won’t automatically provide you with emotional support and they may need you to tell them to switch modes.
23. They hate small talk because they find it boring
Small talk can feel meaningless to an INTJ, who usually puts a lot of effort into conversations. This is especially true if they spend time with people they don’t know well. They won’t enjoy small, polite conversations, and will find themselves very drained when participating in them.
24. They would rather speak through their actions than with words
It’s much easier for an INTJ to tell you how they feel by fixing your leaky faucet or calling the phone company to negotiate a lower bill than it is to tell you in words.
They struggle to express themselves even though solving a problem comes easily. INTJs may not realize they’re avoiding verbal communication by showing you love in other ways.
25. They can appear indecisive because they take time to make decisions
INTJs like to analyze the outcomes of a situation and problem-solve them whenever possible. In other words, if they can, an INTJ will turn a decision into a problem that can be solved and made to go away.
This isn’t always useful, especially when the decision requires emotional consideration that doesn’t mesh well with analytical thinking.
26. They need personal space and time to recharge away from you
INTJs will need time away from you. As much as they care about you and want you in their life, it still takes effort and energy to spend time with you.
They need time to nurture their goals and ideas and they need time to recharge. Social interaction can take a lot of their energy, so they appreciate their alone time as they appreciate you being in their life.
27. They constantly want to improve themselves
INTJs thrive when they’re working towards a goal. Their thinking is entirely goal-oriented, so they live their life working towards a goal and would likely feel lost without one.
This can come with weaknesses, like obsessing over a goal or getting disappointed when achieving a goal. But, it can also lead them to become a better and better partner for you because they get real joy from improving themselves.
28. Since they prefer logic to emotions, they might appear unaffected by anything
For people who interact with the world based on emotional responses, it can feel strange to think of someone unaffected by emotion like that. The key to developing a better understanding of INTJs is to remember they care about how you feel, but they don’t make that clear very often.
It can often seem like they are cold and unfeeling because their logical brain doesn’t always consider emotion as an important factor in a problem or conversation.
29. They are constantly making plans and struggle with spontaneity
INTJs love to make plans. Plans help them reach their goals and give them structure that comforts them. They struggle with spontaneity and prefer to plan versus doing something spur of the moment.
So, while you definitely should plan out dates, feel free to challenge the INTJ in your life to get more comfortable with spontaneity because they’ll be supported by you the entire time.
30. Their humor is probably not as funny as they think it is
Since INTJs think with their analytical brain first before their emotional brain, they likely have some strange or boring jokes up their sleeve.
These jokes may be specific to their career or simply only funny to other people who like to analyze situations and make decisions based on that analysis rather than emotion.
31. They prioritize themselves and their goals over others’ feelings
Not only does emotion come second in an INTJ’s brain, but their goals are also super important to them. They will plan their lives to accomplish their goals, even if it means hurting other people’s feelings.
The INTJ in your life will never want to hurt you, but they may think that you’ll understand that they’re prioritizing their goals over your Valentine’s Day dinner, for example, because they are goal-oriented.
Keep in mind this is not excusable if it hurts you, but it does give you an insight into why they do what they do.
32. While it’s hard to change their mind, they are not stubborn
INTJs put a lot of time and energy into making decisions. They analyze the problem and come up with the best solution they can find. In other words, they’ve invested a lot of time into finding a solution, so they trust their answer to the problem or the decision they’ve made.
That’s why it’s difficult to change their mind. But, it’s not impossible to change their mind. It requires you to think analytically and give them the logical reasons why your answer or decision is better than theirs.
While there’s no guarantee this will change their mind, you can set yourself up for success by thinking the same way they do.
33. They understand the need for space from everyone, including your partner
When you need time away from people, your partner, being one of many independent INTJs, will understand and respect your need for alone time. Regardless of the reason, they will give you the space you need without mind games or passive aggression.
34. They might come off as arrogant
The personality traits of an INTJ create the perfect storm for an arrogant person. INTJs value intellectual conversation, problems they can solve, goals they can achieve, and think analytically over emotionally any day.
So, naturally, they can hyper-focus on their goals and personal interests without realizing the people they hurt in achieving them or finding more interesting people to talk to.
35. They value their privacy, which can come off as cold and uninterested
INTJ females and INTJ males rarely talk about the details of their lives with people they don’t trust. This means that they will struggle to be open with people they’re still getting to know.
Since they value honesty and prefer not to waste their time with someone they’re unlikely to date for long, they won’t invest energy or details before they’re sure they like someone.
36. They never act on impulse because of their systematic approach to decisions
INTJs like to plan, which means they rarely act on impulse. Instead, they take what could be impulsive actions and consider them.
They think through the pros and cons of their impulsive action, making it into a well-thought-out action that they can easily avoid if they don’t think it fits with their goals.
37. They like to see intelligence in other people
Intelligence is attractive to INTJs. They enjoy talking to people who ask interesting questions and take an interest in their goals.
While this can seem intimidating, it means that they value curiosity. If you can show them that you’re curious about the world and you like to learn, they will be attracted to you.
38. They have a future-oriented mindset
INTJs struggle to stay in the present because they’re constantly thinking about their goals and how they’re working to achieve them. They’re focused on creating a better future in every way possible, which means finding a partner who supports that and working to create a better future self.
39. They can get wrapped in a task and forget about others
When they’re invested in a goal or problem, they will struggle to spend time away from that. This means they might ignore or neglect you when they’re in the middle of a project and come off as intense.
An INTJ loves to solve a problem and an INTJ feels most at home when they can use their skills in that way. Unfortunately, this also means that they will prioritize goals and tasks over you without realizing what they’re doing.
40. When they’re invested in a task, their enthusiasm is inspiring
INTJs are inspiring when they’re at their best in the middle of a task. When they are thinking through the solution to a problem, they are living their best life and their energy is infectious.
This is one of the best times to be their romantic partner because they will share this energy with you if you manage to distract them from the task long enough for that to happen.
41. They value honesty and transparency above all else
Honesty and transparency are key to a successful relationship with an INTJ. They value it and practice it, without even noticing it most of the time.
So, they’ll respect you if you practice that with them. They want to date someone with the same values as them and they will have a hard time dating you if you can’t be honest with them about problems between the two of you.
