You’re interested in dating again. You went through a painful divorce and you’re ready for something new and beautiful for the first time in a while. But, you can’t help but wonder “Is the first relationship after divorce always a rebound?”
It’s a fair question to ask because we see it all the time. You don’t want to hurt someone or go through the pain of another breakup to get over your ex.
That’s a great and healthy mindset to have. While there’s no guarantee that you won’t end up rebounding, these 8 tips will guide you to make the right decision on when you’re ready for a new, healthy relationship.
This post is all about asking the question “Is the first relationship after divorce always a rebound?”
REBOUND RELATIONSHIP AFTER DIVORCE:
1. You want to be a better person, not look for one
When you start looking for a partner after a divorce, pause and ask yourself how much you’ve changed since your last relationship. Whether you contributed to the conflict in your relationship that ultimately ended it or not, there’s room for improvement.
There’s room for change and personal growth. Start there when asking yourself what you want out of your new relationship. Whenever you bring a new person into the mix, you’re going to be challenged.
This person will bring a new side of you and they’ll trigger you the way your ex triggered you. The important part of making sure this new partner doesn’t have the same outcome as your last is to observe yourself and make changes.
Notice when you yell at your partner for no reason or when you escalate conflict unnecessarily. Maybe you cope by avoiding the conflict altogether.
The key here is to remember that the best way to create a healthier relationship than your previous relationship is by working on yourself so that you can contribute to a better relationship.
You may still date people who suck and hurt you. But, at least, you will have grown enough to understand what you deserve based on how you’ve learned about yourself and who you are in relationships.
2. Remember that every relationship has unique challenges
No relationship will exist without challenges. If you find one that does, it’s not as healthy as it looks. Regardless, you may have gone through horrible challenges in your last relationship and think anything like that is not worth it. And that’s fair.
But, it also means you may want to consider two things in your position. First of all, the presence of a challenge in your new relationship does not mean that it will be the same challenge that existed in your first relationship.
You may encounter completely different, healthier challenges, that take a different type of effort and motivation to overcome. For example, maybe you and your last partner didn’t communicate.
In this romantic relationship, you communicate, but that communication leads to arguments. So, you work through that by coming together to find new ways of communicating difficult emotions so that it doesn’t end in an argument every time.
Second of all, it may be a good idea to consider taking more time away from dating and marriage.
If you’re scared of reliving the same triggers and trauma from your previous marriage, then you may want to hold off until you feel more confident going into a relationship. That way, you can avoid comparing each relationship to the point of sabotaging your new one.
3. Identify unresolved issues from your past relationship
It takes a lot of effort and self-awareness to work through the unresolved issues from your last relationship. You can’t avoid figuring out what went wrong in your last relationship and avoiding the easy way out of arguing you had no role in it.
If your partner abused you, then you did not have a role in deserving the abuse in any way, shape, or form. However, if your partner did not abuse you, then it’s worth taking another look at your relationship.
Even if they did make a major mistake that clearly led to the end of the relationship, you still owe to yourself and future partners to identify any issues that came up for you.
Maybe your partner cheated on you and broke off the relationship immediately because it reminded you of when your father cheated on your mother. When you look for unresolved issues and possible triggers in a relationship, it should never come from a place of judgment.
Instead, you should do it from a place of curiosity. You’re doing this for your own good because you want to grow as a human being. Maybe your partner absolutely deserved you breaking with them on the spot.
Even if they did, you still need to work through your trauma around infidelity. You were likely reacting more to your trauma at that moment than the actions of your partner.
Anytime you react to triggers and unresolved issues instead of the current issue with your current partner, you’re doing the relationship a disservice.
Work through your unresolved issues so that you will know which of your reactions were valid and which were the result of some stuff outside of your relationship.
4. Post-divorce relationships can give you a fresh start
Think of your first long-term relationship after a divorce as the chance to start anew. It may be scary to think you’re doing the whole relationship and marriage thing all over again. But, it can be equally exciting.
You get to learn about someone else and bring your new self to the relationship. Maybe you’ve gotten professional help from a family therapist or you’ve worked through the trauma from your last relationship on your own.
Now, you’re ready for something different and you’re ready to find your new person. Relationships after a divorce can give a new perspective on your needs and what you want out of your partner.
Maybe part of the reason things didn’t work out with your former partner was you two simply didn’t remember to value each other and put effort into fulfilling each other’s needs.
This looks like remembering to fill up your partner’s gas tank. Or leaving a glass of water by their bed because they always wake up coughing in the middle of the night for no reason.
5. Always prioritize your mental health and check in with yourself
The most difficult part about starting a new relationship after you’ve gone through the pain of divorce is that you think you’ve done it all. You have identified all of the issues that ended your first marriage and you’ve gone through the whole wake-up call process.
You don’t want to experience the pain again and you just want true love. Unfortunately, when you start trying to date different people that you are meeting for the first time, you experience new issues with that, too.
Assuming that you were in a monogamous relationship for a long time, you didn’t date for years. You aren’t used to the single life or even trying to escape it. Take this moment to remind yourself that, as much as it sucks, red flags can pop up anytime during your next relationship.
They may not appear for a while and they may also not be that severe. But, you have to remember that the familiarity will be gone with new people who you date. So, be suspicious and take care of yourself. Monitor your mental health and check in on how you’re feeling.
It’s easy to get burnt out when you date a few different people and get discouraged. You struggle to find a good match in your dating pool because they don’t want a committed relationship, you don’t share similar interests, or they don’t have long-term potential with you.
6. Allow yourself time to go through the healing process
Respect the process. You’ve gone through a major disruption in your life because you were married. Now you’re not. You need to treat that with the love and care that it deserves.
With social media infiltrating every part of our lives today, it’s easy to get fooled by the common misconception that we need to move on from our past experiences and get into a new relationship as quickly as possible.
This is exactly the mindset that increases the chance of a rebound relationship. The bottom line is that you need to go through the healing process before you get into a healthy relationship. You cannot heal the pain and trauma of your divorce by dating the first person you see.
It will cause you more pain in the long run and you deserve better than that. You are capable of experiencing a beautiful relationship that gives you the emotional support you need without being the sole source of your emotional support as you get over your ex.
So, let yourself be single for a while and spend time around family members and friends. There’s no rush to get over the pain of your divorce.
So, save yourself the chance of getting into a bad relationship in which you will struggle to develop emotional intimacy because of the pain you haven’t finished processing.
7. Remember that the dating scene can be scary (it’s okay!)
Dating is scary. It requires a lot of vulnerability with someone you’re getting to know slowly. When you are looking to find a new relationship after your last one ended painfully, you have a lot of new reasons to be scared.
You have seen how relationships can end and you don’t want to go through that again. So, you’re actively identifying triggers and unresolved issues that come up for you while you’re dating.
You realize that the best way to develop and maintain a healthy relationship is by working on yourself constantly. Your future partner should be doing that, too.
So, when you introduce this dynamic into dating with people you don’t know, it’s terrifying to realize you have to start from scratch. You have to get comfortable with being vulnerable around people you don’t know very well and have known for a couple of days, weeks, or months.
It’s okay to be scared because vulnerability is scary, but it’s also worth it. So, know that your fear is justified but not a reason to avoid getting vulnerable and finding your new person as long as you want it and you’re emotionally ready.
8. It will be challenging to be in your first serious relationship post-divorce
The first time you fight with your new-ish partner, you’re going to get scared. The first real fight you have will make you question everything.
You’ll start asking yourself if this is a rough patch, like they told you all marriages and relationships experience, or is this a reason to end it right here and now? This is an example of your past relationship experience affecting your current relationship.
And that’s not fair to your partner. Your romantic partner deserves to have you make decisions based solely on your feelings and needs in your current relationship. They can’t compete with your last relationship because they weren’t there.
They can’t predict the triggers you’ll experience because you may not even be able to predict them. So, expect your new relationship to be scary and challenging the further you get into it. The scariest part is that you can’t be sure this new relationship is better than your last.
There’s no way to be sure, no matter how much you change or get to know yourself better. But, that’s why you stay present and vigilant. Notice when your relationship feels good, which is hopefully the majority of the time, and when it hurts.
Don’t ignore the times when it hurts. Instead, ask yourself if you feel comfortable bringing it up to your partner. If you do, then watch their response. Look for accountability and empathy. If you don’t feel comfortable with that, then it’s time to re-evaluate your relationship.
