Knowing that you want to try an open relationship is one thing, but actually knowing how to go about it in the best way is another. We have created an open relationship agreement template for you and given you the ultimate guide for exploring ethical non-monogamy.
This blog is designed for anyone who has little to no experience with ethical non-monogamy and wants to explore it in a safe, healthy way. Start off by learning about open marriage, ethical non-monogamy, and the foundations of every healthy relationship.
Then, learn how to open up your relationship by reading through this blog. Bookmark it for later so that you can reference it anytime you and your partner want to check in on the best practices for your relationship.
This blog is all about an open relationship agreement template.
What is an open marriage?
An open marriage is a type of relationship where both partners agree that they can have romantic or sexual relationships with other people. Every marriage requires open communication and a strong foundation of trust.
However, open marriages can test communication and trust more than a traditional marriage. Therefore, when we say that open marriages rely heavily on communication, trust, and mutual consent, we want to emphasize that every relationship should rely on those things.
Unfortunately, some people enter an open marriage without understanding that it should never be viewed as a “solution” to relationship issues. Instead, it should be viewed as an exciting step for a couple who has developed a strong foundation.
An open marriage allows couples to explore connections outside their marriage while still maintaining their bond with each other. It’s important for anyone considering an open marriage to have honest conversations.
You should be discussing boundaries, expectations, and feelings to ensure that both partners feel secure and respected. This kind of marriage isn’t for everyone. But, for some, it can be a way to grow individually and together and experience personal development.
What is ethical non-monogamy?
Ethical non-monogamy (ENM) is a relationship style where individuals engage in romantic or sexual relationships with multiple people, with the knowledge and consent of everyone involved. Ethical non-monogamy is different than cheating because everyone is on the same page.
People who engage in ethical non-monogamy rely on honesty, openness, and respect to maintain and safeguard their relationships.
This approach allows people to explore diverse connections, including new emotional experiences and sexual experiences, while maintaining clear and healthy boundaries. The key to ethical non-monogamy is to make sure that your primary partner feels respected and valued.
Just like with an open marriage, ethical non-monogamy should not be thought of as a “solution” to issues in a marriage. Communication is key, no matter what relationship you’re in but especially with ethical non-monogamy.
It ensures that all parties feel valued and their unique needs are met. Ethical non-monogamy can take many forms, such as polyamory, open relationships, or swinging, and it’s all about finding what works best for those involved.
Before You Open Your Marriage
1. Make sure you and your partner have a healthy relationship
If you and your partner are considering an open marriage or ethical non-monogamy, it’s important to be sure that you have established a strong foundation for your relationship. For some people, engaging in multiple romantic relationships comes easily and naturally.
For others, it can feel scary and uncomfortable. Some people are interested in exploring those feelings of discomfort because they are curious enough that the discomfort feels minor compared to it.
However, some people will consent to an open marriage or ENM because they’re scared of losing their relationship otherwise. If you and your partner feel confident that you are both ready to explore ENM, then that’s fantastic.
It can be exciting to start thinking through what kind of boundaries you want to set and how you can work together to evolve your relationship into something new.
In fact, when you and your partner work on your open relationship contract together, it can be one of the most intimate, bonding experiences you two can engage in.
There’s something so beautiful about valuing your relationship so deeply that you want to protect in the event that you introduce new partners into your life.
2. Assess your relationship for open communication
Clear communication is crucial to every relationship. When you’re talking about introducing a written agreement into your relationship, communication becomes even more important. ENM can be scary and uncomfortable no matter how experienced everyone is with it.
Regardless of whether you’ve been in a polyamorous relationship before, you may still get jealous and insecure. Jealousy and insecurity are human feelings. So, avoid shaming yourself when you notice those feelings coming up for you.
Instead, lean into them and communicate that to your partner. Think of jealousy and insecurity as signs your body is giving you to check in with your emotional and intimate needs.
Maybe those feelings come from the struggle you experience living as someone who engages in consensual non-monogamy when it goes against social norms. Maybe ENM isn’t for you and you only learned that once you tried it out.
No matter what, you need to communicate your feelings to your partner. It’s okay to process those feelings aloud with them as well. You can definitely engage in self-reflection instead of always talking to your partner or maybe before you talk to your partner.
But, it’s also okay to let them know you’re feeling and that you may not know why yet. The key is that you are willing to learn about yourself and how ENM fits or doesn’t fit into your personal narrative and identity.
3. Identify any must-have ground rules unique to you and your partner
You and your partner are unique. You each come with your own stressors, history, and trauma that inform the way you express yourself and feel safe in a relationship. That stuff comes with you when you enter into an open relationship.
The best way to make sure you two keep those things in mind is by creating some type of document that requires you to discuss how your open relationship will work. You can think of open agreements, marriage contracts, or any other term that feels like a good idea.
This does not have to be a legal document like a prenuptial agreement, but it does require time and commitment from both of you. You can use the template we’ve attached at the bottom of this blog to guide your discussions.
.As you and your partner start asking what specific boundaries and ground rules you want to set for yourselves, think about topics like safer sex, the process of introducing a new sexual partner, how emotional support looks in your new relationships, and more.
You may want to create boundaries around how much you share about the other relationships you have or sexual experiences you have outside of your relationship.
OPEN RELATIONSHIP
AGREEMENT TEMPLATE:
1. Communication
Communication is a big topic. There are lots of subtopics that fit into communication. So much so, you might feel intimidated by the idea that you need to create some type of contract to monitor honest communication between you and your partner.
Since communication plays such an important role in keeping established relationships strong, it’s the first topic that you will address in your open relationship agreement. Honesty and transparency are pretty straightforward.
However, it’s always still important to state your needs aloud, regardless of how obvious you think they are. When we’re thinking about needs, we have to remember that everyone grows up and exists in the world with slightly different interpretations of it.
Whether you and your partner have been dating for six months or sixty years, you still define things differently. So, address it and bring words like “honesty” and “transparency” out into the open. Label your values around communication and set a mutual standard.
Lastly, under the topic of communication, we have also included check-ins because you get busy. Even with the best of intentions, it’s easy to get swept up in business.
So, prioritize your check-ins, agree on the frequency of meetings to check in, and create a safe space to talk about how your ENM is going rather than assuming it’ll happen naturally.
2. Boundaries
Boundaries are the limits that we place on relationships to make sure we want to stay in those relationships. In other words, we let our loved ones know how to treat us in ways that make us feel loved and safe.
Boundaries dictate the way we act in response to unwanted behavior in the case of someone disrespecting a boundary. For example, you might notice that you feel activated and uncomfortable when your mom calls you to complain about your dad.
You can then set a boundary and let your mother know that her complaining about your dad makes you uncomfortable and state that, in the future, you will have to hang up if that starts happening.
Boundaries in romantic relationships can often be related to cheating and communication. This is why it’s so important to clarify those boundaries in an open relationship. Anytime that we live our lives in ways that contradict what society tells us, it’s easy to feel confused.
Society tells you to be in a monogamous relationship, so, naturally, the boundaries you are used to drawing most likely don’t apply to an ENM relationship. Consider boundaries around sexual health, such as safe sex with the use of protection and getting tested for STDs regularly.
You will also want to address what emotional boundaries you will create about what kind of relationship you can build outside of your relationship with your life partner.
You may also want to identify what degree of separation you want between your other non-monogamous relationships and your relationship together.
Lastly, discuss time management because it will get much more complicated the more relationships you build with other people outside of your primary relationship.
3. Respect
Define respect for yourselves and identify how you can respect each other. Respect, kindness, and intention are already automatically included in every other part of this contract.
However, it’s important to address respect as its own category because of how fundamental it is to relationships as a whole. Respect means prioritizing your partner’s well-being over external relationships.
If your partner feels uncertain about an open relationship or starts to have doubts at any point, this clause of your consent document dictates that you pause and re-evaluate. It’s okay to end a short term or long term relationship because you want different things.
It’s also okay to return to a monogamous relationship. What is not okay is ignoring your partner’s discomfort if it comes up for them. That’s why respect is paramount to consensual non-monogamy. ENM is based on love and respect just like every other type of relationship.
You may also want to use this space in your contract to address PDA with other partners and if/how you want to come out to other people about having an open relationship or being polyamorous.
4. Guidelines for New Relationships
Every ENM relationship is different. Different people have differing levels of comfort and experience with ENM, so talk with your partner about how much you each should know about the details of the parties involved in external relationships.
Maybe you each feel totally comfortable with knowing all of the details and feel that you can maintain a loving relationship with each other free from jealousy. Maybe you know you’re not comfortable with that yet.
Instead, you can start off with basic disclosures such as when your partner is seeing someone else. Talk about what external relationships can look like and the point at which they become too intimate if that’s relevant to your relationship.
Address limits, if any exist on how often you can see external partners, stay at their house, and have them stay at your house.
5. Conflict Resolution
As we’ve said before, every part of this contract is interconnected with every other part. You can’t have open communication without conflict resolution and you can’t have conflict resolution without respect.
In every relationship, healthy conflict is one of the most important tools and skills you can develop. You have to learn how to fight fairly and effectively. This means that you address a point of conflict when it comes up without it becoming an emotional screaming match.
This also means that you actually address conflict rather than avoiding it. So, you engage in an open dialogue when you’re in an ENM relationship and you do your best to mediate the conversation.
Notice when you’re feeling defensive and get curious about that feeling. Notice when your partner seems dysregulated and pause the conflict in that moment. Learn how to fight fairly so that important concerns are addressed without both parties getting angry and upset each time.
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