This post is all about how to avoid unhealthy communication in relationships.
Communication is the foundation of every relationship. But, more than that, everyone involved has to be willing to work on the relationship and communicate.
As terrifying as it is to be vulnerable with your partner and let them criticize you, open communication is the best way to make sure the relationships meet everyone’s needs.
It’s hard to let someone tell you that you’re not loving them the way they need you to, and it’s easy to get mad, hurt, and shut down.
That’s when these fifteen essentials come in. These fifteen essentials to healthy communication will help you strengthen your relationship so that it works for everyone.
This post is all about how to avoid unhealthy communication in relationships.
AVOID UNHEALTHY COMMUNICATION:
1. Active listening
Pay attention to the speaker and let them know you’re listening. This can look like nodding, small affirmative statements like “Mhm” or “Yeah.”
Maintain eye contact with them and keep yourself from fidgeting with other items. If you’re neurodivergent, this might sound impossible. But, try thinking of ways to show that you’re actively listening that will last long thirty seconds or a minute.
The important part of active listening is noticing when your partner is about to say something vulnerable or meaningful. This is when you want to be especially good at demonstrating that you’re listening to them.
2. Use “I” statements
Avoid telling someone how they feel or think. Instead, tell them how you think and feel. For instance, you can say, “I feel hurt when you put on your earphones because you can’t hear me when I talk to you.”
This simple perspective change from the other person to what’s going on with you takes away the blame and replaces it with empathy. Your partner should not want you to feel hurt, so they will want to help find a way to take that hurt away.
Maybe this will be as simple as them explaining their thought process behind putting on their earphones or the two of you will set a boundary around putting in their earphones.
3. Respectful tone
Yelling doesn’t accomplish much. That’s not say you can’t get angry or express that anger, but you always want to ask the question: what is this emotion doing for me and what is it telling me?
Anger often means you have some deeper emotion going on that might lead you to get defensive because you’re scared or feeling vulnerable. In these situations, it’s a good idea to take a break and come back to the conversation when you’ve had time to think about your emotions.
Come from a place of respect and remember that both of you should come into conflict and conversations with the goal of making the relationship work for everyone.
4. Clarify and paraphrase
Repeat what you’re hearing and always verify that you understood correctly. Allow the other person to tell you when you’re misunderstanding.
Everyone makes meaning of words, experiences, and actions differently, so your partner defines their entire life differently than you define it. This is why it’s important to clarify what you’re telling them and asking for clarification from them.
5. Avoid interrupting
Let them speak until they have finished. Then, expect the same behavior from them when it’s time for you to respond. Give your partner time to complete their thoughts and take a moment, when they finish speaking, to actually think about what they said.
It’s really easy to listen only long enough to say your piece rather than respond to what the person actually said. When we’re getting defensive or angry, it’s even easier to use our defense mechanisms to avoid any real conversation.
6. Nonverbal cues
Notice how your partner is sitting. Maybe they’re hunched or they’re covering their face. While you can’t figure everything out from their body language and facial expressions, you can use it to help understand what they’re feeling when they’re silent or thinking.
If they’re silent, give them time to think. Remind yourself that you don’t have to fill the empty space. It’s okay to sit with your thoughts and take the time to respond thoughtfully.
7. Mindful communication
Keep your emotions in check. Express them and be honest about them with your partner, but don’t let them make you say something hurtful because you’re angry or hurt.
Notice how you’re feeling, where you feel your emotions in your body, and what thoughts are going through your head because of those emotions. Take a deep breath, if you need to, and reset to avoid unhealthy communication in relationships.
If you’re in a healthy relationship that makes you feel good and loved, then remind yourself that you and your partner are in this together. This is your chance to find ways to improve your relationship. So, find a common goal with your partner.
8. Avoid personal attacks
You’ll notice you’re switching to personal attacks when you start thinking about everything the other person is doing and looking for ways to criticize them. Instead of criticizing them, focus on “I” statements.
Turn to yourself and consider what they’re saying. There is value in it, even if all you do is explain or clarify your perspective for them. But, honestly, if your partner is in pain or unhappy, then you both need to find ways to meet their needs.
Anytime pain or unhappiness is brought up in a relationship, everyone involved needs to be part of the change to make the relationship work better or fulfill everyone.
9. Be open to feedback
Feedback is crucial to keeping a relationship alive and healthy. Both partners need to share when their needs are or are not being met and how to better meet them.
So, share your feedback openly with your partner and encourage them to share openly with you. This encouragement can be as simple as staying silent and actively listening while they share their experience. It will do wonders to avoid unhealthy communication in relationships.
10. Apologize when necessary
Own up when you need to. Don’t turn apologies into weapons by making sure that your apologies are sincere and heartfelt. Use them as an opportunity to acknowledge the pain your partner is feeling.
In some cases, it’s a simple case of not knowing. While it can hurt to hear your partner criticize you or share the ways you’ve hurt them, it’s also important to remember that they’re being incredibly vulnerable and brave in letting you see their pain.
So, apologize and brainstorm with your partner to figure out to keep them from feeling that way in the future.
11. Practice assertiveness
Speak up and share your thoughts. As long as you give your partner the space to speak and finish their thoughts, you need to take the time to share yours too.
Even if you need to apologize for something, you still deserve the chance to say what’s on your mind just as much as your partner does. Make sure that when you take this chance, you avoid trying to hurt or wound your partner.
You don’t have to fully agree with them, but you do need to be honest with them and value the relationship enough to have an open conversation in which both partners speak fairly.
12. Set boundaries
The more you argue with your partner, get to know how they react to conflict, and get to know how you react to conflict, the easier boundaries will be to set.
To set a boundary, you tell someone how they can better serve your needs. Maybe you no longer can discuss a certain topic without getting upset or triggered and it doesn’t lead anywhere. So, you tell them that if they bring up that topic, you will leave the conversation.
Not everyone will agree with the boundaries you set up, but the goal here is to find people who will respect your boundaries. That way you can develop healthy standards for communication with them.
13. Practice gratitude
Tell them when they do something you appreciate. Thank your partner when they’re honest with you about their feelings even if that honesty hurts you.
Show your partner that you appreciate them and the efforts they’re making to keep relationship healthy. Relationships only work if the people involved want to keep working on it and benefit from the relationship.
14. Use humor wisely
Make jokes to diffuse the tension. Be sarcastic when the moment calls for it. But, don’t do it to keep the conversation from getting deep.
Humor will only work in the context of arguments and healthy communication if everyone is on the joke. A well-timed joke will make you two feel closer and it might even consolidate some of the information you two talked about.
Avoid making jokes to hurt the other person or make them feel small. No one wants to be treated that way, and no one wants to be treated like that during an argument.
15. Commit to growth
Grow together. Work on a relationship you both love as much as you love each other and keep doing the work. The effort doesn’t stop when the conversation ends and it shouldn’t stop when enough time has passed that you think they’re “over” it.
When you and your partner are struggling to get through the pain of a conversation, remember your commitment to growing. You get to grow as people and as a couple.
