The moment you realize your spouse is abusive can be one of the most challenging, painful experiences you will ever go through. Understandably, you’re left wondering, “Is emotional abuse grounds for divorce?” It’s important to talk about the reality of your situation before we dive into some of the mental health tools that can help you create an actionable plan. First, please know that everything in this blog is written and meant to be viewed through a mental health perspective.
Therefore, this blog will not contain any legal advice. Additionally, none of the information in this blog constitutes legal advice. If you are seeking legal counsel, we advise you to work with a divorce lawyer or experienced attorney. Now that we’ve addressed what you won’t find in this blog, let’s talk about what you will gain from it.
The goal of this blog is to explore some steps you can take to safeguard your mental health. From assessing your basic safety to getting support, we’ve included tools in this blog that may give you a path forward when you realize you might be in an abusive relationship.
IS EMOTIONAL ABUSE GROUNDS FOR DIVORCE?
1. Assess your personal safety by looking for signs of abuse
One of the most important steps for you to take if you are looking for abuse is to assess your safety. Safety always comes first. To be clear, that does not mean you are always in a position to make yourself safe or keep yourself safe. However, there is power in knowing whether you are safe or not and how to become safe.
Therefore, ask yourself if you are safe. Safety can have lots of different meanings, from emotional safety to physical safety. Emotional safety refers to you feeling safe to share how you feel with someone and communicate your current emotional well-being. Physical safety refers to you feeling physically safe from immediate harm.
Take the time to ask yourself what safety feels like to you, how you know you are safe, and how you know you are not safe. The concept of safety can become scary and uncertain when you haven’t experienced it for a long time. So, it’s important to also recognize that your definition of safety may be different from the definition others have.
2. Keep a record of abuse for your mental well-being, including physical injuries
Record your abuse. That means literally taking pictures, videos, and audio recordings of your injuries or your partner’s abuse when you are safe to do so. If recording your abuser is a safety hazard, please prioritize your safety above all else and avoid recording.
This is not legal advice. In this situation, the recordings are designed to help you identify reality from the lies your abuser likely tells you. Please consult with an attorney. They will help you identify the type of documentation and evidence of abuse will help you if you choose to engage in a divorce case or begin the divorce process.
3. Notice signs of abuse, like low self-esteem or a sense of self-worth
Ask yourself if you notice changes in yourself. This can specifically refer to your mental health, from low mood to low energy to social isolation. If it helps, try to begin journaling so that you have a physical record of how you feel.
When you feel safe to do so, leaving a physical record (on your phone or in your journal) can help you identify your feelings and process experiences outside of your brain. Notice typical impacts of abuse, such as low self-esteem, feeling like you are always on edge or in survival mode, and an overall lack of control.
4. Recognize that abuse can be complicated by factors like financial need
Abuse can be more complicated for the people inside an abusive relationship than for the people on the outside. Where one person may ask, “Why won’t you leave?” someone may respond with, “My partner makes all the money,” or “I have no savings.” It’s okay to have mixed feelings about the abuse you’re experiencing, whether that’s physical or mental abuse.
Financial abuse, for example, is a very real method of keeping someone from leaving an unhealthy relationship. You may also still have feelings for your abusive spouse, even though you are the abused spouse. All of your feelings are valid as you explore the possibility of abuse in your relationship.
5. Look for a pattern of behavior or dynamics that indicate coercive control
Coercion can play a major role in abuse. It operates on the idea that someone can manipulate their spouse or partner into doing something that they otherwise may not want to do. The caveat is that the person is still technically making the choice to go through with their action or decision.
However, when they do something that contradicts their values or better judgment, they are acting under coercion and not their own desires. Therefore, look for moments you have acted in various ways that feel wrong to you. These moments likely cause you to feel shame because you have engaged in something voluntarily despite your moral compass, values, or judgment telling you not to do so.
The important question is: would you have acted in that way if your partner or spouse hadn’t asked you to or been in your life to influence you? Your answer to that question, especially after you think about it for a while, may help you recognize signs of coercion in your abusive relationship.
6. Remember that abuse is still present before and after a good mood
You and your partner, even if they are an abusive partner, can both have good moods. Maybe today was better than yesterday, which makes you question if the abuse you experienced really was abuse. Remind yourself, in those moments, that abuse is still abuse. Your partner may have good days when they don’t abuse you. That does not negate the moments where they do abuse you.
7. Understand each type of abuse and what it can look like
Abuse comes in different forms. Not all of the types of abuse can be obvious, especially to an outsider looking in on your relationship. Abuse can look like someone verbally berating you by calling you names or yelling, also known as verbal abuse. On the other hand, abuse can also look like someone putting their hands on you in a nonconsensual or violent way, also known as physical abuse.
Maybe they punch you, push you, shove you, or pull your hair. The key is that they intend to hurt you and do not stop at any point when they realize they have hurt you. Alternatively, abuse can look like touching you inappropriately without your express consent, also known as sexual abuse. Lastly, you may experience psychological abuse, which can look like gaslighting you, lying to you, and denying accountability and/or responsibility for their actions that have hurt you.
8. Start noting cruel treatment, whether you label it as “abuse” or not
Whether your partner gaslights you or not, it’s common to struggle with trusting yourself if you’re noticing signs of abuse. You may notice that you are defending or rationalizing your partner’s actions. The best way to “fact-check” that (identify whether the thoughts that cause you to doubt what you are experiencing are true or false) is to make note of how your partner treats you.
Write it down, make a mental note, or create a covert system. For example, you could keep a count of how many times per day or week you notice cruel treatment. The purpose of this documentation is to help you better understand how frequently you are experiencing poor treatment.
9. Lean on your family members for emotional support
Identify people in your life whom you trust. Trust looks different for different people, so explore your definition of trust. Then, confide in those people. Remember that it’s okay to trust someone, only to realize they don’t want to act in your best interest. Maybe you share that you suspect your partner is abusing you, and they judge you. Maybe they doubt you. Maybe they react in a way that is not supportive and indicative of the struggles they are experiencing. Find people in your life who will support you and lean on them.
10. Understand the long-lasting effects of the trauma you are likely experiencing
Trauma changes the brain. While that sentence can often be terrifying, you can take some comfort in knowing the shifts you identify in how you respond to the world around you are not your fault. If someone criticizes you and you immediately yield to their requests, that might be because of trauma. If you start crying and feel like the crying is an overreaction, that might be trauma. Trauma teaches your brain to respond differently to external stimuli to keep you alive. Your brain is designed to keep you alive, and trauma dials that up to 100.
What do you do now?
You’re in a difficult situation. You might be at the stage where you’re still trying to understand if you’re experiencing abuse. Or maybe you’re trying to identify the best step forward once you are pretty sure you are experiencing abusive behavior in your romantic relationship. Regardless, you’re experiencing something that is incredibly difficult. So, as you move forward and leave this blog, here are a few rapid-fire tips to give you actionable steps forward:
- Take advantage of the National Domestic Violence Hotline
- Consult an experienced divorce attorney for quality legal advice if you are interested in starting divorce proceedings and exploring child custody issues
- Consider attending support groups for other survivors of domestic abuse or seeking professional help from a social worker, counselor, therapist, etc.
